Tales from the 'loin
We have an expression where I come from: “crazy as a shithouse rat.” I must admit, though, that I never really understood what that expression meant until I spent a year working in the heart of San Francisco’s Tenderloin district. In case you have never been to the 'loin, let me break it down for you- it’s the kind of place where civic pride meets urban decay. City Hall and the opera house overlook soup kitchens and hotels that rent rooms by the minute. During the day smartly dressed government employees rub elbows with the crème de la crème of San Francisco’s down and out, and you can get a $15 plate of pasta for lunch while watching a man smear himself with his own feces. Gotta love this city.
Now, let me just say I’m a pretty big fan of cultural clashes like this one. I think it brings some sort of balance and natural order to a place. And I even got to know some of the residents-without-residence in the neighborhood. They would call me “Red,” and I would call them “If you don’t stop that I’m going to call the police.” It was friendly. Good times.
And it was never boring. You just never knew what to expect on your way to work. Case in point, I once had a man that looked kind of like Jesus on a really bad hair day tell me that I was an angel sent from heaven. Naturally, I started to feel pretty good about myself. Put a little extra pep in my step, namsayin? Of course, then he followed it up by screaming, “AND YOU’RE SPREADING CANCER WITH YOUR VAGINA!!!!” Hey, just because it’s true doesn’t make it ok to scream it at someone in the street, alright?
All these pleasant memories came flooding back when my good friend Colin sent me this link entitled “
Ten minutes in San Francisco.” This little slice-of-life features a man who is either crazy as the aforementioned shithouse rat, or just exemplifying the fact that it’s always best to dress in layers in SF cause you never know when the sun will break through the fog and a cold, crappy day will turn as warm and sunny as a tropical island. It’s enough to make you wanna piss on a cop. Unfortch, some of the photos are NSFW, but they are thumbnails, and you can pretty much tell where it's going before you get there. Thanks, C!
God has a plan for you
...and it doesn't involve yankin your pud all day, you sicko.
Elder Ding Dong has asked that I provide you with this
little tract to educate you on the evils of masturbation.
For example, if you are tempted to masturbate, think of having to bathe in a tub of worms, and eat several of them as you do the act. more
(now you know how to identify any Mormons in the room- they're the only ones who get hard- ons while watching Fear Factor)
Apparently,
sex with robots is still ok. Thank you, Brother Donger.
However, God's plan does involve you eating your wheaties so that you can stay up until 3 am to catch my set at the
Garage Mahal Burning Man fundraiser this Saturday night. Like that little segue into self promotion? Me too.
You heard it here first
Breaking news-
the search continues for the owner of the missing finger. What's happening? I'll tell you. The mafia is disposing of its victims by grinding up their bodies in meat packing plants that they own (the mafia owns the plants, I mean, not the victims) and then selling the meat to fast food restaurants. It's true. I read it on the internet. Ok, I wrote it on the internet. And it's mostly speculation based on a twisted conversation I had last night with Mike and Ranu as we were enjoying our Biggie Supremes (now with extra Adriana!). But it could be true. Mike's part Italian, so he knows about these things.
"Yo, you want fries wit dat?"
PS- If I should "mysteriously disappear" after posting this, please think of me when you order that double cheeseburger. And get it with extra bacon- I would have wanted it that way.
The cure for suicidal tendencies
So, I'm not one of those people who hates Mondays. I like my job, getting up early doesn't kill me, and by this time I usually need a break from my weekend just to recover. But today is a particularly bad one. The weather can't figure out if it wants to be sunny and cold or rainy and cold, they've replaced the Red Vines in my office with Twizzlers (did they really think we wouldn't notice?), and I have some kind of weird boomerang hangover (boomerangover? ha!) that somehow skipped Sunday morning and instead came back to bite me in the ass on Monday morning. Luckily the first thing I popped in my cd drive this morning was an old mix CD from Megs that featured "Fucking in Rhythm and Sorrow". Trust me. It helps. So, just in case any of you are having a rough one as well, here is a picture of Bjork:
he looks at me hopeless with tears in his eyes,
goes out of the window and up on the roof.
oh naked man, naked man calm down,
i'll give you some strawb'ry cake!
don't act like there is no tomorrow,
life's bothsweet and sour.
Tak’i takt & trega. ja!
And if you're having a really tough day, and that didn't do the trick, go watch her (semi) new video
here. If you still feel bad after watching Bjork dance around with a man-sized housecat, it's because your heart is cold and dead. There's nothing more we can do for you.
Art imitates renegade
Banksy, an "exterior paint specialist" (read: graffiti artist) from England, managed to show his pieces in most of New York's major museums last week- by gluing them on the walls.
He says - "This historic occasion has less to do with finally being embraced by the fine art establishment and is more about the judicious use of a fake beard and some high strength glue." Banksy continues -"They're good enough to be in there, so I don't see why I should wait"
photos of his graffiti ninja attack and full story at
Wooster CollectiveIn spite of the New York Times' characterization of him as a "
prankster", this guy's work is fockin amazin, like. Check out his
website. I also highly recommend doing an image search for his work when you have the time.
via
Laughing Squid
Getcha hands dirty
From our friends north of the border: "Welcome to North America's first
web portal and online community dedicated to Grime, Dubstep and related sounds..." Thanks, Ranu!
Dizzee Rascal @
The Independent April 4. Plus, check out the movies playing there this month- Shaun of the Dead AND Fear and Loathing. That's enough to make me forgive them for giving us almost no notice on the MIA cancellation (MIA is moved to May 13th, if you hadn't already heard).
And now,
getcha toys dirty. Ahhh, watching Tigger hump stuff will never get old. (via
Boing Boing)
This movie won't suck
It's been a while since I was this excited about a movie. Nice to know I'm not alone.
"This is a film to watch and get drunk and get stupid happy fucked by." I'm not real sure what that means, but I think it's good.
Harry's review at AICNThis guy really liked it, too. He gave it 10 pandas screwing.
This is shaping up to be one hell of a date movie.
Rotten Tomatoes rating:
100% Update: rating down to 90%- but only because of a critic who has sand in his vagina over the movie's "misanthropic nihilism," so we can pretty much disregard his opinion. I think he might prefer this
film.
Ligers and tigons and....rabbits. Oh my.
Yeah, the
liger is pretty much my favorite animal.
Someone needs to pull EBAY's feeding tube.
Please.
In other animal news, if you haven't met Oolong yet, well, you're too late. Oolong's dead. But
check out what he could do when he was alive. That bunny had some skills.
And
finally, via Jerome and Amy (you sick, kitten hating bastards)
Birth pangs
Ok, so I've got a little first post performance anxiety. But I remember when I learned how to dive for the first time. My swim teacher told me, "just put your arms up, and lean forward until you fall in." I asked her, "won't I fall on my face?" She thought about it for a minute. Then she shrugged and nodded. "You might."
So, best to just dive in then. My reasons for starting this blog are twofold:
1) I've got a lot of funny friends. And even more friends who fancy themselves funny. (no, I'm not British. I just like the word 'fancy.' Bugger off.) I have casual assurances from a few of these folks that they will provide content from time to time. Those of you who I haven't talked to already, please, post when you want to. If you don't want to post, at least leave a comment or two when the mood strikes. Or criticize my grammar (you know who you are). Whatever.
2) My friends (see #1) are getting really tired of me constantly emailing them links to things that I find thighslappingly hilarious (and yes, they are that funny. and yes, thighslappingly is a word). I know this from receiving several comments along the lines of, "so, what exactly do you
do all day?" (and not just from my boss). So, from now on I will stop cramming your inbox with these things. If you want to see what incredibly cool or interesting content I've found or been introduced to in my daily audit of the internerd, check in from time to time. Unless it is a picture of you with a ball gag in your mouth, which I would never post in a public forum like this, you will find it here. Side note- any pics of you wearing a ball gag will instead be very privately emailed to a distribution list of 50 people or less. I may or may not cc you on this email. Again, you know who you are.
And, for those who were wondering, this is in no way an attempt to replace
another, recently departed and very much missed blog. I wouldn't even presume to try.
Also, please remember that this blog is a newborn. And that until very recently I was a luddite. But expect growth- hell, maybe I'll even learn how to post pics eventually.
Let the games begin.
