Today's the Pennylvania primaries, and voters black, white and bitter are clamoring to cast their ballots. Who will win? Hillary or Obama? Perhaps this decision is too important to be left in the hands of white blue-collar mill workers from Scranton and elitist superdelegates...
So let's settle this the way John Adams would have done it - through the time-honored American tradition of the Smackdown!
Hamilton bested Burr 5,000 years ago with a masterfully executed suplex, and Warren G. Harding was taken out by Grover Cleveland's killer flying elbow. Literally, killer flying elbow. Harding died shortly afterwards. It's history. Go look it up.
Because if there's one thing missing from American politics today, it's bipartisan figure-four leglocks.
This just might be the cutest tattoo I've ever seen. You don't even notice the evil racism at first because of all the unicorn power. Kinda like Hitler, but more unicorny.
I love people with tattoos. They're fun because they're totally capable of making regrettable mistakes. They're almost as fun to hit on as girls at abortion clinics!
After besting Master Hehol in single combat, Vader, who The Sun reports was under the influence of alcohol, went on to assault the camera crew and a hairdresser.
In Which Mr T. Saves the World One Comatose Kid at a Time
This being April Fool's you would be forgiven for thinking this some sort of hoax. But it's not. The best hoaxes are the ones you want to believe. And I want to believe that one of the things Mr T can do is snap kids out of comas just by shaking his heavy gold chains of hope.
"That was my supernatural moment," Mr T said.
Yes it was, Mr T. Yes it was. Which leads me to my plan to cure the AIDs. Miniaturize Mr T and inject him into the bloodstream, where he will personally pity the foolish AIDs. Problem solved.
