Sometimes you just can't wait for Halloween, which I understand it being my favorite holiday. But I was still a bit taken aback the other day when I saw this kid riding a bicycle down the street from my house the other day wearing a Darth Vader helmet. I was a bit too slow on the draw, but on my way back from the store I stopped him and asked if he wouldn't mind me taking a picture. He responded with a muffled "sure" from beneath his stylish choice of bike safety. Sure he is a bit old and shouldn't be talking to strange men with camera phones, but I can't help but root for the little guy.
'Cause you know he's getting his ass kicked in school if he ever shows up in that helmet.
It was a sad day in Athens, Ga on June 30th, 2008. A dog died.
Not simply home to the once-hip R.E.M. and B-52's, Athens was home to a 92,746 seat arena known as Sanford Stadium. Every Saturday while the trees turned brilliant yellow and orange and the Georgia heat gave way to cool, Autumn nights, about 90 thousand people would descend upon Athens like ticks to a hound. The young among them taping zip-lock baggies of Jack Daniels and SoCo to their legs and the aged alumni sporting polyester weave red and black Geranimal-like attire.
The Georgia Bulldogs (also known as Dawgs) football team would take the field "'tween the hedges" (there are bushes on either side of the field), but not before the University of Georgia mascot - Uga. Proud and taunt like a recently pledged Tri-Delt, Uga would strut onto the gridiron wearing nothing but a red shirt and a dopey smile - also much like a recently pledged Tri-Delt. Chants of "Woof, Woof Woof!!!" would escape the mouths of southerners nearly one hundred thousand strong as the bulldog trotted around the stadium announcing another contest in the SEC.
As dawgs live in dog years, the University has keep the bloodline alive by cleverly naming each new bulldog with a corresponding number. Thus, Uga VI, came to pass and did, in fact, pass last month of heart failure.
While I did not know Uga VI personally, my friend Ed had this to say about him: "he was one of the celebrities I had met and worked with. I helped shoot a documentary about the life and lineage of the Mascots. He was a pleasure... not stuck-up at all."
Two rednecks are watching a Georgia football game when they see Uga walk onto the field. The dog suddenly stops on the 50 yard line and starts to lick himself in front of 90 thousand people. One redneck says to the other redneck, (insert severe southern accent here) "Damn, I wish I could do that." The other redneck says, "That dog would bite the shit out of you."
Something of late has got me mind a-spinning about mail. Email, Voice Mail, Text Mail and even mail mail.
It seems that brevity has got the better of us. What used to be some eloquent speak about how dearly you wanted to share your thoughts with someone you respected has become - IMHO. Let alone the whole 143 bullshit.
Used to be that folks would wait for mail two or three times a day for news about some tryst in the upper court or word about their dear loved one in the far reaches of some nether regions. And because it may take some time for your friend or loved one to receive the letter – like 6 months to a year – they really made the most of it.
And I’m not just talking about royal wax seals and all that shite you see on the BBC. There are books published over the letters that these people were writing to each other that tells of the elegance of language and longing for communication.
I can’t help but think that we may have lost something along the way with this whole instant communication kind of thing.
Just saying. LOL. I mean... I truly wish a fine and immaculate day to my good friends who have taken the time to share a laugh or insight with me.
Maybe you were too busy Facebooking last week to notice, but there's been big news in the ongoing war between monkey and robot.
Even though monkey has lightning speed and that poop-throwing move that still catches us by surprise, robots always seemed to have the edge, what with their indestructible metal shells and deadly icy calm. But last week monkey learned how to control robot arms with their fucking thoughts. Great.
Why don't we just hand the keys to civilization over the monkeys? There's no stopping them now anyway.
PS Otto - I didn't know you well, but from the few times we hung out I know you were one of a kind. You're missed.
Everything You Ever Wanted to Ask About Canada But Were Afraid to Ask
Canadians are bilingual. Did you know that? And they're always really really warm because of the thick layer of greasy fat they have covering their bodies that enables them to float. Fact.
But what do Canadians from Canadia think about being bi? Why, let's go up to America Jr and ask one!
Well that was educational. Get that woman on the phone, stat. I still have a few more questions I need her to sort out for me.
Oh, Canada. I believe in equilibrium for everyone too.
A truck hauling 25 tons of beef ribs went up in flames near Chicago yesterday, causing a massive, delicious, and unfortunately, completely wasted barbeque.
The trailer was loaded with 50,000 pounds of beef ribs, Bird said. He could not say what cut of ribs they were, but said, "There was no sauce." No citations were issued.
Today's the Pennylvania primaries, and voters black, white and bitter are clamoring to cast their ballots. Who will win? Hillary or Obama? Perhaps this decision is too important to be left in the hands of white blue-collar mill workers from Scranton and elitist superdelegates...
So let's settle this the way John Adams would have done it - through the time-honored American tradition of the Smackdown!
Hamilton bested Burr 5,000 years ago with a masterfully executed suplex, and Warren G. Harding was taken out by Grover Cleveland's killer flying elbow. Literally, killer flying elbow. Harding died shortly afterwards. It's history. Go look it up.
Because if there's one thing missing from American politics today, it's bipartisan figure-four leglocks.
