Graffiti the Ghost

Little in the middle but she got much back

As some of you know, I work for a digital publishing company. Basically we take print magazines and convert them to digital format. I had the opportunity today to cruise some of the new titles we have on offer.

And that's when I came across a mag with this woman gracing the cover. Ho. Lee. Shit. Where did she get that ass? And, more importantly, as a white girl, can I ever hope to achieve anything even vaguely resembling that Mount Everest of booty?


I decided to do some research. I googled "big assed white girls." It was not encouraging that the number one hit was a site called "black ass fatties." As I suspected, no love for my melanin impaired sisters.


It's no secret that white women have long been envious of the black woman's ability to cultivate the coveted "bubble butt," that is, a tiny waistline with a large, round, curvaceous buttock round back. If you doubt this fact, just look at the corset and bustle fashions that were in vogue back in the 19th century. We wanted some of that real estate, and were willing to suck it up and pad it out as much as possible to get it.

Not much has changed, especially in San Fran. Now, being not particularly well endowed up top (Kirsten and I are founding members of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee), I've always been glad that I live in what I consider to be an ass town. And I've been fairly proud of my "ass"ets in the past. This pic finds me in a particularly asstastic stage of development (granted, much like a blowfish when threatened, my ass tends to swell while I am spinning. I suspect it may be in response to all the bass).

But, as I discovered to my dismay recently when shopping for swimsuits with Stefbot, my posterior has lost a bit of her ooph lately. Now, don't get me wrong, my girl can still fill out a large by Macy's swimwear standards, but she just kinda lays there. Like she's taking a nap. I suspect it may have something to do with the fact that I'm turning 30 in little over a month, but I think it may have even more to do with my love of beer and fatty foods. She's just not bearing up under the extra pounds.

It didn't help that today when I went to the store to buy lunch the headline on this week's Star screamed in bold letters "JESS' BUTT GOES FLAT!" Yes, I realize that they are referring to Jessica Simpson. Still, I considered it a pretty clear sign from the universe. So, I've decided to do something about it. I'm calling it Project Bring Back the Booty.

The goal: To restore my booty to her former perkiness in time for Burning Man.

The method: This is where I get scientific. I have neither the discipline nor the means to join a gym or attend a class to get my ass in shape. But- I do happen to work right next to the best strip of flat, carless, and mostly obstacle free land in the whole city- The Embarcadero. Also luckily for me, I have almost no fear of appearing foolish in public. Therefore I've developed an exercise that I'm sure will prove very effective in achieving my goal-- and I'm calling it "the wiggle method."


It's very simple, sort of like power walking with a twist. It's essential that you walk fast to raise your heart rate, but it's also necessary to add a butt cheek clench with each step, and a slight twist as well to work a greater muscle group. In theory, this should work the glutes much in the same way as climbing the stairs, or dancing to Drum and Bass. Now, ladies, if you're really clever you can add a kegel squeeze for added benefit. (Fellas- if any of you are still reading this- you may not know what a kegel muscle is, but trust me, if you've ever been with a woman who exercises this muscle regularly, you know and appreciate its effectiveness). So, if you see me walking down the Embarcadero at lunchtime and I resemble Charlie Chaplin with a stick up his ass, now you know why.

Since I've only just begun it's hard to judge the method's effectiveness, but I figure that with 5 miles of this every day, my back 40 should be restored to fighting weight in no time. And I really hope that the wiggle method catches on. Nothing would make me happier than a city where white women everywhere can once again hold their heads high, stick out that ass, and wiggle it. You know, just a little bit.

posted by Jess @ 11:45 AM