Graffiti the Ghost

Zombie Killa

Hey, Shaun, you've got red on you.





For some reason, since I was about 16 years old I've had recurring zombie dreams. Now, these dreams are not just any run of the mill nightmares- they are full on, hours long zombie attacks that I have to fend off singlehandedly. These dreams occur on average about once every 6-8 weeks. They are not particularly scary, more just a pain in the ass. I never get eaten, and the zombies are surprisingly easy to kill, but there are just so damn many of them that I always wake up exhausted. Add to that the fact that they are always different- different location, different number of people to protect, etc, so I'm constantly having to come up with new ways to kill the hordes of undead and fend off the assault. I don't know why I have these dreams- they started before I had ever even seen my first zombie movie. Maybe someday I'll be able to afford a therapist who can help me get to the bottom of it, but for now I just figure I'm stuck with them.

I've always thought that someday I should compile all of my experience into the definitive Zombie Survival Guide. Don't get me wrong- I'm not one of those fanatics that spends hours in internet chat rooms debating whether zombies can roller skate, or whether dogs and cats can become zombies. Frankly, I could care less. My interest is purely a selfish wish to kill those bastards a bit more quickly so that I can go back to dreaming about, well, about whatever the hell I dream about when I'm not battling the undead. But having the unfortunate wealth of practical experience that I now possess, I was understandably a bit skeptical when Dr. Otto sent me this link this morning.


Now, with all due respect, seeing a couple of zombie movies does not qualify you to write a piece on surviving zombie attacks. Even though I have to give him credit for figuring out that red staters are going to be better prepared for survival than blue staters (more Wal-Marts, canned food, and guns), there's really no question about whether zombies are fast or slow. C'mon, they're dead. Dead humans. They are certainly not going to be faster after death than they were when they were alive, and the longer they've been dead the slower they're gonna move.


Then he even goes so far as to suggest that perhaps zombies are edible. This idea is patently ridiculous. Even if it's "not really cannibalism," would you eat a cow that had been lying dead in a field for days on end? Ok, now assume that cow has a highly contagious virus that can spread through just one bite, like, oh I don't know, like MAD ZOMBIE COW DISEASE? Not so eager for that cheeseburger now, are ya?

I did discover through this posting a really good link to someone who appears to know a helluva lot about zombies. This guy has obviously put a lot of thought into this thing, which may make him even weirder than me, but I would highly recommend that you all familiarize yourselves with his Zombie Survival Guide. You know, just in case.

Of course, like vampires, perhaps the only real way to truly kill all the zombies is to take down the source. Oh, c'mon, admit it- you saw that coming.

posted by Jess @ 12:14 PM