Graffiti the Ghost

I Think I’ll Start a Criminal Enterprise

Being the upright and concerned citizens that we are, when we heard about the LAPD’s e-policing website, we had to check it out for ourselves to see what the ne’er-do-wells were up do in our neck of the woods:

http://www.lapdcrimemaps.org/

Hoped we’d find a tasty burgle, a little real-life grand theft auto, who knows, maybe an old-fashioned armed robbery or two. And if the scenes of the crimes were conveniently placed, maybe we could even arrange a “Crime Spree Walking Tour” where we spend a pleasant weekend afternoon hitting all the felony hotspots that make a neighborhood a neighborhood.

But what did we find? A murder in an abandoned house, which we could break into and search for shell casings and dust for fingerprints to help the police find the true killer? Nope. A series of dots representing aggravated assaults, which we would piece together into a pattern, leading us to an unlikely suspect the Feds missed but we didn’t? Uh-uh.


Somebody’s car got broken into. That’s it. No murders, no rapes, no nothing in 2 square miles. The total pussiness of our neighborhood almost made us look for 1-bedrooms in Fallujah, but then it dawned on us: We could totally own this neighborhood. Because apparently we live around a bunch of soft vegetarian emo Smartcar drivers. And you know what? We can kick their asses.

So here’s what we’re gonna do. We’re gonna start a criminal enterprise and take this shit over. Of course, G-Train’s the Kingpin, but as of this moment we are looking for loan sharks, bookies, prostitutes, and assorted thugs and goons with flexible morals. Applications are now open.

Venice is ours.

posted by G-Train @ 10:35 PM