Graffiti the Ghost

Vader in the Hood!

2008-10-08T19:29:00.000-07:00

Sometimes you just can't wait for Halloween, which I understand it being my favorite holiday. But I was still a bit taken aback the other day when I saw this kid riding a bicycle down the street from my house the other day wearing a Darth Vader helmet. I was a bit too slow on the draw, but on my way back from the store I stopped him and asked if he wouldn't mind me taking a picture. He responded with a muffled "sure" from beneath his stylish choice of bike safety.
Sure he is a bit old and shouldn't be talking to strange men with camera phones, but I can't help but root for the little guy.

'Cause you know he's getting his ass kicked in school if he ever shows up in that helmet.

Sic 'em UGA, woof, woof. Amen.

2008-07-03T21:59:00.000-07:00

It was a sad day in Athens, Ga on June 30th, 2008.

A dog died.

Not simply home to the once-hip R.E.M. and B-52's, Athens was home to a 92,746 seat arena known as Sanford Stadium. Every Saturday while the trees turned brilliant yellow and orange and the Georgia heat gave way to cool, Autumn nights, about 90 thousand people would descend upon Athens like ticks to a hound. The young among them taping zip-lock baggies of Jack Daniels and SoCo to their legs and the aged alumni sporting polyester weave red and black Geranimal-like attire.

The Georgia Bulldogs (also known as Dawgs) football team would take the field "'tween the hedges" (there are bushes on either side of the field), but not before the University of Georgia mascot - Uga. Proud and taunt like a recently pledged Tri-Delt, Uga would strut onto the gridiron wearing nothing but a red shirt and a dopey smile - also much like a recently pledged Tri-Delt. Chants of "Woof, Woof Woof!!!" would escape the mouths of southerners nearly one hundred thousand strong as the bulldog trotted around the stadium announcing another contest in the SEC.

As dawgs live in dog years, the University has keep the bloodline alive by cleverly naming each new bulldog with a corresponding number. Thus, Uga VI, came to pass and did, in fact, pass last month of heart failure.

While I did not know Uga VI personally, my friend Ed had this to say about him: "he was one of the celebrities I had met and worked with. I helped shoot a documentary about the life and lineage of the Mascots. He was a pleasure... not stuck-up at all."

Sic 'em Uga, Woof, Woof. Amen.

P.S. One of the oldest jokes about Uga:

Two rednecks are watching a Georgia football game when they see Uga walk onto the field. The dog suddenly stops on the 50 yard line and starts to lick himself in front of 90 thousand people. One redneck says to the other redneck, (insert severe southern accent here) "Damn, I wish I could do that." The other redneck says, "That dog would bite the shit out of you."

Goodnight everybody, and Happy Birthday America.

Mail Rant

2008-06-13T00:43:00.000-07:00

Something of late has got me mind a-spinning about mail. Email, Voice Mail, Text Mail and even mail mail.

It seems that brevity has got the better of us. What used to be some eloquent speak about how dearly you wanted to share your thoughts with someone you respected has become - IMHO. Let alone the whole 143 bullshit.

Used to be that folks would wait for mail two or three times a day for news about some tryst in the upper court or word about their dear loved one in the far reaches of some nether regions. And because it may take some time for your friend or loved one to receive the letter – like 6 months to a year – they really made the most of it.

And I’m not just talking about royal wax seals and all that shite you see on the BBC. There are books published over the letters that these people were writing to each other that tells of the elegance of language and longing for communication.

I can’t help but think that we may have lost something along the way with this whole instant communication kind of thing.

Just saying.
LOL.
I mean...
I truly wish a fine and immaculate day to my good friends who have taken the time to share a laugh or insight with me.

Monkey vs Robot: Monkey takes in the lead

2008-05-29T02:28:00.000-07:00

Maybe you were too busy Facebooking last week to notice, but there's been big news in the ongoing war between monkey and robot.

Even though monkey has lightning speed and that poop-throwing move that still catches us by surprise, robots always seemed to have the edge, what with their indestructible metal shells and deadly icy calm. But last week monkey learned how to control robot arms with their fucking thoughts. Great.

Why don't we just hand the keys to civilization over the monkeys? There's no stopping them now anyway.

PS Otto - I didn't know you well, but from the few times we hung out I know you were one of a kind. You're missed.

Everything You Ever Wanted to Ask About Canada But Were Afraid to Ask

2008-05-06T15:08:00.000-07:00

Canadians are bilingual. Did you know that? And they're always really really warm because of the thick layer of greasy fat they have covering their bodies that enables them to float. Fact.

But what do Canadians from Canadia think about being bi? Why, let's go up to America Jr and ask one!

Well that was educational. Get that woman on the phone, stat. I still have a few more questions I need her to sort out for me.

Oh, Canada. I believe in equilibrium for everyone too.

Let Us Bow Our Heads in a Moment of Silence

2008-05-01T01:43:00.000-07:00

A truck hauling 25 tons of beef ribs went up in flames near Chicago yesterday, causing a massive, delicious, and unfortunately, completely wasted barbeque.

The trailer was loaded with 50,000 pounds of beef ribs, Bird said. He could not say what cut of ribs they were, but said, "There was no sauce."

No citations were issued.

It's Gonna Take a Village to Smackdown Barak

2008-04-22T04:13:00.000-07:00

Today's the Pennylvania primaries, and voters black, white and bitter are clamoring to cast their ballots. Who will win? Hillary or Obama? Perhaps this decision is too important to be left in the hands of white blue-collar mill workers from Scranton and elitist superdelegates...

So let's settle this the way John Adams would have done it - through the time-honored American tradition of the Smackdown!

Hamilton bested Burr 5,000 years ago with a masterfully executed suplex, and Warren G. Harding was taken out by Grover Cleveland's killer flying elbow. Literally, killer flying elbow. Harding died shortly afterwards. It's history. Go look it up.

Because if there's one thing missing from American politics today, it's bipartisan figure-four leglocks.

Unicorn Power

2008-04-17T07:37:00.001-07:00

This just might be the cutest tattoo I've ever seen. You don't even notice the evil racism at first because of all the unicorn power. Kinda like Hitler, but more unicorny.

I love people with tattoos. They're fun because they're totally capable of making regrettable mistakes. They're almost as fun to hit on as girls at abortion clinics!

Sith Lords are Assholes When They're Drunk

2008-04-14T04:06:00.000-07:00

After besting Master Hehol in single combat, Vader, who The Sun reports was under the influence of alcohol, went on to assault the camera crew and a hairdresser.

Mathew Modine gets his liberal on!

2008-04-10T08:37:00.000-07:00

Check out this film made by Mattew Modine and get your liberal on, baby!

To Kill An American - The funniest home videos are here

Yes, Mattew Modine. The guy from Full Metal Jacket!

Speaking of, here is a lost sequence from the Stanley Kubrick masterpiece:

In Which Mr T. Saves the World One Comatose Kid at a Time

2008-04-01T02:12:00.000-07:00

This being April Fool's you would be forgiven for thinking this some sort of hoax. But it's not. The best hoaxes are the ones you want to believe. And I want to believe that one of the things Mr T can do is snap kids out of comas just by shaking his heavy gold chains of hope.

"That was my supernatural moment," Mr T said.

Yes it was, Mr T. Yes it was. Which leads me to my plan to cure the AIDs. Miniaturize Mr T and inject him into the bloodstream, where he will personally pity the foolish AIDs. Problem solved.

What's Better Than a Bitch Slap?

2008-03-27T05:07:00.000-07:00

Why, a Bitch Slap in super slow motion, of course.

Aren't they all good Fridays?

2008-03-21T11:06:00.000-07:00

It's almost Easter! Time to revisit a classic:

That thing still makes me laugh even though I've seen it a thousand times.

I love Easter. I still color Easter eggs, at least whenever I manage to guilt people into coloring them with me. My favorite is the magic crayon. You know the little wax crayon you use to scrawl a secret invisible message on an egg, and then when you dye it, the message appears - "Fuck You!" - hahahaahaaaaa! Candy is good too.

There's also some Jesus-type goings-on around Easter. So it's a perfect time to revisit another classic:

He could walk on the water, and swim on the land.

No wonder there are so many Christians.

Hey look, everybody! It's Bob and David!

2008-03-21T08:18:00.000-07:00

What the fuck!

That's fuckin awesome!

Are you fuckin kidding me?

I'm gonna watch the shit out of that show.

Bob and David return to HBO.

You Fucking Time Travelers

2008-03-20T08:10:00.000-07:00

I don't know about you, but I'm sick and tired of time travelers trying to kill me all the..uh, time. Zipping back to 2008 to kill me for something I'm not even going to get around to doing until 2025. Or how they're always like, "Oooooh, look at me, I can travel through time, look at me, I'm gonna kill me Hitler!" Everybody tries to kill Hitler on their first trip, douchebag. Nice to read the bulletin board before jumping in the Temporal Displacement Machine there, tiger.

Take this guy for example. Dude can't get through an episode of House without some Death-Bot materializing and trying to zap him. Why? Because of something his grandkid's going to do in, like, 50 years from now! How unfair is that?

I get it. I really do. I'm going to steal a laser beam during my mid-life crises and in an unlikely series of apocolyptic coincidence will succeed in bringing the world under my thumb, ushering in generations of enlightened yet despotic Chilipino rule. Personally, I don't see the problem with that. But the thing I really don't understand is why you fucking time travelers can't just go ride dinosaurs or watch Catherine the Great make nicey nice to horses or any of the other cool things you can be doing with your fucking time machines instead of trying to kill me.

Like I said, I totally get it. Now stay in your own year and stop trying to zap us.

Fucking time travelers. Seriously.

Can we please just elect this man already?

2008-03-18T12:27:00.000-07:00

Because Obama's already acting like a leader, and a mighty fine one at that.

This speech on race is incredible, and it's about damn time someone in a position of power, someone other than Dave Chappelle, is actually saying things like this out loud.

Yeah, I know speeches can't solve America's problems. But they can at least point us in the right direction.

Boong-Ga Boong-Ga! Have a Fun!!

2008-03-17T10:48:00.000-07:00

Okay, I like video games as much as anyone. Truth be told I have been known to supplement any form of exercise for the illusion of physical movement that is Halo 2.

But this game is just... messed up. It's called Boong-Ga Boong-Ga and the basic premise is shoving a finger into someone's ass. You select an 'opponent' from a list of characters like Child Molester, Mother-in-Law, Co-Worker or Gangster and commence to spanking the simulated rear-end at the front of the machine. If this doesn't provide enough of an outlet to your frustrations, you can shove the attached over-sized finger into the fake ass. The harder you spank and shove, the more the face on screen grimaces and yells, "and for players who perform exceptionally well the machine will dispense a small plastic trophy in the shape of a pile of feces." That's right! Play this game really well and win some crap, literally! Apparently, it also gives you a card rating your "sexual behavior". I'm no psychologist, but if you really want to shove your finger into someone's ass as a form of revenge I'm pretty sure you qualify as "Fucking Perverted!!!"

The game was released during the first year of the 21st century, so perhaps the post-millennial crazies got the best of the Korean game designers who also featured the following mascots during the game's initial release. Yup, that's everyone's favorite character "Shit" with his best friend "Stink Finger"!

The Koreans have a lot of explaining to do on this one.

White Out

2008-03-16T10:58:00.000-07:00

Dudes, check it out. My gay friend Ed sent me this today. It's about white people. It addresses topics that are of interest to me. Like having gay friends called Ed. I also have several Asian friends. They kid me about being white and I often tease them about being Asian. Like, for example, they'll say something like, 'hey, white people can't dance!' And I'll retort, 'hey, you like rice!' This good-natured ribbing shows how cool we are with our diversity. I also have some black friends, but really only one latino friend (but he's also gay so, ya know, cha ching!), and no pacific islanders. Oh wait, does chilipeno count?

I felt a bit alienated by some of the other posts on Stuff White People Like, though. For example, I don't really wear t-shirts, shorts or outdoor performance clothes, and I've never seen an episode of the The Wire. In fact, aside from the above mentioned stable of diverse friends, I had almost none of the characteristics mentioned on the site that would qualify me as a white person. I suppose I do enjoy musical comedy- as evidenced by two of my previous posts this month. And I have a blog. And live in Echo Park, which is totally the new Silverlake. And I drive a VW. And I quite enjoy the new Vampire Weekend album, although I think they're becoming a bit overexposed...

Ahhhh, there it is. Cultural identity crisis averted. Whiteness affirmed.

Thanks, Ed! Now could you go adopt some multi-ethnic bilingual kids already?

Iron Man Spoiler!!!

2008-03-16T08:44:00.001-07:00

That's right! Through my top secret industry contacts I have a GTG exclusive on the new Iron Man film! I also have free reign to use exclamation points throughout this post!!!
For those of you not in the know, the new Iron Man film is sure to be one heck of a pre-summer, action-packed roller coaster ride of entertainment! (PR firms, please quote Freylock from GTG for all your press needs).

Not only that, but as this spoiler will reveal, the film delves deep into the controversial topics of today! What drives men to evil? Why are the Terrorists™ so bent on our destruction and how can we stop them?

Not just a jovial vehicle for controversial actor Robert Downey Jr., this film has it all!

So charge up your repulsor rays and head on over to this super secret pre-viz that reveals the film's main plot line!!!

SPOILER ALERT!!!!

Lost Point

2008-03-15T20:15:00.000-07:00

Remember when Lost Boys came out? I do. It was 1987. I was 12 years old. And I wanted to be a lost boy. In particular, I wanted to be Jami Gertz. I wanted to ride on the back of Keifer Sutherland's Triumph motorcycle and be a tragic heroine- half vampire, half waif. I wanted to sleep all day. Party all night. Never grow old. Never die. Hey, what do you want from me? I was 12. Not a whole lot of interesting stuff to occupy one's mind at that age when you're stuck in rural North Carolina, stealing booze from your dad's liquor cabinet and smoking banana leaves to get high.

I even loved the soundtrack. What was not to love? Roger Daltry's version of Don't Let the Sun Go Down On Me, Echo and the Bunnyman's version of People are Strange? 2 tracks by that new band INXS? C'mon!!

I first heard about the fact that they were making a "crappy sequel" to Lost Boys through this really embarrassing reality moment between 2 Coreys. Wow. How far the mighty have fallen, right? Well at least Feldman is sticking to his guns. Honoring his brother in an act of supreme solidarity. When faced with the fact that he, but not his partner in all things Corey, was being asked to participate, he responded with a firm "there's no f-ing way I'm doing it without you."

Oh. Weird. Cuz this new trailer seems to feature one Edgar Frog pretty predominantly. One other thing you may notice about the trailer- it's pretty much Point Break (complete with a leader that's the spitting image of Swayze's Bodhi). Except that instead of bank robbers, the surfers are, well, you see where this is going. All it needs is for Edgar Frog to jump out and do his best "I AM A VAMPIRE HUNTER" ala Mr. Reeves himself. Oh wait, check.

Yeah, I give them mad props for bringing back the original "Cry Little Sister" theme, but I think I'm gonna just wait and see the live theatrical version that's sure to follow.

Ooh, speaking of which... anyone wanna play a little 6 degrees of degredation? Alex Winter, who made his feature film debut in Lost Boys, went on to star in a little movie called Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure. I love it when things come full circle like that.

Oh snap... crackle and pop

2008-03-15T09:54:00.000-07:00

In honor of the holidays and mistreated leprechauns everywhere, I think it's time for a little Bo Burnham.

Jeffro would be livid if I didn't mention that he was the one who introduced me to Bo. Let's all raise our pints to Jeffro, shall we? He's down in SXSW this week. Yep, he got to go to the festival, and all I got was this lousy T-Shirt:

Thanks, pal. No really, thanks.

Happy St. Pat's everybody- whenever you choose to celebrate it.

St. Patrick's Day Two-fer

2008-03-13T17:36:00.000-07:00

I have a couple friends coming from the east coast to visit me for St. Patrick's Day this year. So you'd think I'd be pretty much on it as far as St. Patty's Day celebrations. Yet I just now found out that St. Patrick's Day has been moved up to Saturday, March 15th this year. How did I not know that?

Well, probably because it's only kinda, sorta moved to the 15th. The Catholic Church declared the change in order that St. Patrick's Day celebrations wouldn't happen during Holy Week. As far as secular celebrations go, however, some are on the 15th, and some on the 17th. For example, San Francisco's parade will be on the 15th, but most bar-related events are happening on the 17th.

So which day does one celebrate? My first thought is, BOTH. Because one good day of drinking stout & whiskey deserves another. Preferably two days later, to allow for recovery time.

But really, we should turn to the experts on this one. What do the Irish have to say on the matter? Well the Dublin St. Patrick's Day Festival runs from March 13-17, culminating with the parade on the 17th. Sorry, Cat-licks, Holy Week will just have to come late this year.

Aieeeeeee!

2008-03-12T12:39:00.000-07:00

I mean, um, ARRR! I was just taking a peek at our beloved fashion god Jean Paul Gaultier's site the other day, and lo and behold, guess what he did for his Spring 2008 Pret A Porter line? PIRATES! If only we had these outfits for the Jess/Stefbot 30th Birthday Pirate Cruise...and if only we were rich enough to afford them too.

Now, for those of you not familiar with Gaultier, let me explain something. You know how sometimes a trend will start in America, and then it will get adopted by Japan, and Japanese kids will blow it up exponentially to some crazy style we in America could never have foreseen? Well, Gaultier is like that, but if the crazy Japanified style was then ported over to Paris and blown up exponentially once again to a mind-bogglingly creative, incredibly detailed level of craftsmanship and style.

So when Gaultier does pirates, he doesn't give you this:

He adds some volume and color and layers and feathers and gives you the likes of THIS:

Gaultier closed the show with a series of what struck me as "pirate brides lost at sea," all of whom were smoking as they strolled down the runway. Because that's what pirate brides do when they are lost at sea, you see:

Gotta love the French.

You can view the entire collection on Gaultier's site - just click on the Pret A Porter tab. And while you're there, check out the regally-themed Spring 2008 Haute Couture line as well.

Go Solon. It's your birfday.

2008-03-11T09:29:00.001-07:00

We are all about the birthdays this month. We have an extra special one to celebrate today. Solon Vega Moore, weighing in at a whopping 7lbs 10oz, joined the world of the breathing without gills this morning at 7:15 am. Mom and baby are doing great.

Congrats, Megs and Zach, on bringing yet another genetically superior human to the earth to make the rest of us look bad. Love to the whole fam.

Re. Your Brains

2008-03-07T21:03:00.000-08:00

Good week. Got a solid job lead from my former lab partner at VJ school, Freylock and I found a potential new lair in a cool neighborhood (and let me tell you, apartment hunting in this town can be hell), and I moved into an office with a window (natural light is the new black!).

Things aren't all cherry pie and Twizzlers at work though. Just like at every job, there are people who are more difficult than others to work with. But thanks to Jeffro, I've learned some valuable diplomacy techniques. First, explain the problem. Then calmly present your side of the story, and make your case for resolution. I think it can best be summed up in song.

After all, I'm not a monster. Well, technically, I am.

Somebody's got a case of the Mondays.

As Promised

2008-03-06T14:29:00.000-08:00

Fucking g-train.

Rainbowpuke.com

Fire

2008-03-05T20:45:00.000-08:00

Please click below as you read:

Better Fireplace - The most popular videos are a click away

Ever thought about fire?

I was having a really good stake dinner at Morton’s the other night (I didn’t buy, it was a production gift for working my tail off on a recent shoot) and we started wondering about how early man first started cooking stuff.

When they first discovered fire, it must have been like the coolest thing ever. I bet they were running around seeing what they could do with it. Burning shit, lighting shit, cooking! Does this burn? Does that burn? Man, all this shit burns! How cool is this?!?

Really, it must have been, like the first iPhone. I bet a lot of cavemen were running around with fire and then the other cave men… well, they didn’t have it:

“Dude, did you get fire yet?”
“Nah, man. I'm cool with this rock.”
“You totally have to get fire. It’s so fucking cool. It like interfaces with a cow and you get steak!”
“No shit?”
“Totally! And you can like go so far into caves now. Just spark up a torch and you can see shit.”
“That is soo wicked.”
“And check this out, if you take your fire and light some of those crazy-ass weeds near that dead mastodon, you can fucking smoke that shit!”
“Smoke? What the fuck is that?”
“You are so far out of the loop, bro-ham.”
“Fuck! I gots to up in that fire shit!”
“That’s what I’ve been saying! You gotta get the ha-zook up, dude!”

Of course that conversation would have been a series of coughs and phlegm-riddled grunts because language had yet to come along, but you get the picture.

Fire. How cool.

One down. Nine to go.

Winning Hearts And Minds

2008-03-04T07:03:00.000-08:00

'Merica's been bringing the bright shining light of US firepower over to Iraq for years now, and they still hate us. We've tried killing em all, and all of a sudden we're "Mr Bad Guy." Whatever, I don't get it. Liberty ain't free, Terry Taliban. I'd prefer if you just said "thank you" and went on your way.

It's time for a change.

No, I'm not talking about famous muslim surrender monkey Barack Obama. I'm talking winning the hearts and minds of the Iraqi peeps. Reaching out with a pale white hand, showing the natives that we're there to help, not hurt, you know?.

But how do we do it?

Our fine Marines have a few ideas! Here are just a few:

1. Kill islamofascist puppies

Sometimes terrorrorists like to disguise themselves as puppies and you can never be too careful. This soldier just saved someone's life.

2. Throw a live grenade into a flock of evil sheep

This may seem cruel, but unless I'm mistaken these are the Wild Sheep of Falluja. Those beasts eat tanks and fart sarin. I have a friend who knows somebody who saw one do it once.

3. Run over their terror cars with a tank

We should only do this while they're in it of course. They looove when we do that. Oh relax, they're insured. Probably. Besides, the video's kinda misleading because it cuts out before they get out and do the "tank dance."

So these are just a few of the ideas that we're trying out over there. I don't see the harm, and besides, I like when we try new things.

That's why I'm a liberal!

Lordy Lordy, GTG is... 3!

2008-03-01T18:42:00.000-08:00

That's right! We survived the terrible 2s! But that's not all we have to celebrate this month. It's also Chip's 40th birthday. For those of you who don't know him, Chip is one of our oldest friends. Literally. Ha! I kid.

Yeah, I know. He looks really young for his age.

Chip is not only one of the coolest, most solid dudes you'll ever meet- he's also been a huge supporter of this blog, checking it daily even when we douchbags haven't posted in a couple months or more. In honor of Chip's big day, we've all committed to hitting 40 posts in the month of March. Of course I make no promises that they'll be quality posts, but hell, does anyone ever really expect that of us in the first place? Didn't think so.

Let the games begin. Happy birthday, Chip!

(thanks to Stefbot for dredging up the GTG baby pic out of the vaults. Cute little bugger, isn't he? Oh, and Amy, hope you don't mind my shamelessly lifting Chip's pic from you.)

The Happiest Chair Ever!

2008-02-25T08:59:00.000-08:00

My friend Toxie can turn into anything. He's related to the Wondertwins so even though he has this crazy power he has no imagination, and usually becomes a bucket of water or something.

Last weekend he became a chair, and he thinks it's the best thing ever:

It's been a few days now, and Toxie hasn't changed back yet. I think he thinks I don't recognize him, but I do.

That Toxie!

Deft Punks

2008-02-22T14:33:00.000-08:00

So, I just yesterday learned what Steampunk means (yes, I know how far behind the times and uncool that makes me), but already I'm intrigued by this underworld of ubergeeks that fantasize about living in the Victorian era when science fiction was all based on steam locomotion. I don't know- just something about that spirit of folks subcategorizing their passions to the point that there are only, like, 15 other people on the planet that "get you" is just so rad.

I'm probably vastly understating the size of the steampunk posse though- in the 2 days since I learned what it means I've seen examples popping up everywhere. And I must say, these folks are pretty damn creative.

For example, how great is this?

(via Gizmodo)

And don't even get me started on the steampunk tree that some of you may have seen last year at Burning Man.

Damn- sounds like these guys hate ravers and hippies almost as much as Stefbot does. AND they live in Oakland! Stef- you've really got to join forces with these guys to make an army of steampunk monkey robots to take over all the dance floors in SF.

The Destruction of Lurrve

2008-02-15T02:23:00.000-08:00

The Valentine's Day lovefest is behind us, and today the world wakes up to celebrate 25 years of celebrating evil in the world's newest latest holiday of hate!

Happy St Skeletor Day 2008!

For our less educated readers, St Valentine is the patron saint of trite hallmark cards, St Skeletor is patron saint of destroying He-Man and is allergic to flowers .

So raise a glass to hate, evil, and hateful evil lords of destruction who will stop at nothing to unlock the power of Greyskull.

"Mostly" legal

2008-02-13T21:17:00.000-08:00

You know, sometimes a site comes along that's so... so... well, you just have to explore it for yourself. Trust me. Fried gold. Deep fried gold. Double-dip deep fried gold.

Felonspy

Where to begin on my favorite parts of this site? Let's start with the sponsored links. They seem to change each time you visit, but earlier they included "Jihaad, yes or no?" "Violent Midgets" and "Scientology Loans."

But all that is just stage dressing. Let's get down to the real meat on this hog:

Can I help by suggesting someone who needs to be listed?
Yes you can! Just use our contact page, and we'll get them added in a hot hurry. Usually we verify it, but usually we don't have the needed time or resources to insure it is valid. Please use this tool with honesty and integrity. link

Gosh. Good thing I'm not burdened by either honesty or integrity. Jeffro, watch your back. I have a feeling there might be some uzi wielding rednecks who somehow got it in their hot heads that you're a bible burning hippie with a taste for kiddie porn. Oops!

That's ok, they look like nice guys. I'm sure if you write to them and explain that it was all just a joke, they'll go ahead and remove your name.

If a name needs to be removed, it will happen on its own, and there is nothing you can do about it. There are no mistakes in this site, and if you think there is, you're probably the exact sort of criminal we all need to beware of.

If you still believe that a name has been listed here in error, yours or someone else's, you still have several options at your disposal:

1. Go fuck yourself, you fucking criminal and/or criminal aiding, abetting ass,
2. Confess now to your wrong-doings and pray to the father, the son and the Holy Spirit that the judge will look mercifully upon your case. link

Oh, hmmm, I see. Well, I can't speak for the father and the Holy Spirit, but the son doesn't look very understanding. Sorry about that, bro. BUT- don't worry. In spite of all the rifle ads and tough talk, this site in NO WAY condones any sort of vigilante justice. See:

I want to kill someone, should I use this database as a guideline?
No you shouldn't, mostly. link

Mostly.

It's Assud the Hate-Filled Rabbit!

2008-02-13T07:10:00.000-08:00

Those kooky folks over at Hamas stopped blowing up for a sec and made a friendly lighthearted kid's show about a rabbit named Assud who sings and dances and makes all the children smile!

oh, and uh... replace "makes all the children smile" with "eats all the Jews."

Well at least he's kosher.

I can't wait till we win the war on terror and there's no more terror.

They Finally Made Her Go to Rehab

2008-02-02T08:17:00.000-08:00

G-Train's been living large in London for almost 3 months now. And by "living large" I of course mean robbed, burglarized, and getting into a string of fights.

But that's all cool cause I got Amy.

And she's really awesome to hang with. The Back to Black crooner helped me get through those rough patches with her trademark blend of humor, blues, and crack cocaine.

On an unrelated note, your "Super Bowl" is tomorrow. And since I live in Europe now, I no longer consider American football a real sport, and will pretend to get confused why your players wear so much armor and keep touching the ball with their hands.

But then I remember that I don't really care either way, especially after reading that the 2008 Lingerie Bowl is canceled because of Dick Cheney. Actually, I didn't even finish the rest of the article after reading the headline and have no idea why it got canceled. The rest could be about baby giraffes eating babies and taking over the world for all I know.

Clearly there's no future in online content

2008-01-25T13:30:00.000-08:00

Stefbot, you suck at Photoshop.

And that brings me to the real purpose of this post.

Let me start by apologizing on behalf of all of us here at GTG. We let you down. We left you out there all alone in this scary, mid-strike entertainment void that we now know as "the world."

"Where did they go?" you were thinking. "Are they striking in support of their comrades, the WGA? How will I get through this without them? What ever happened to Rerun from What's Happening?"

Well, let me answer some of those questions for you: We're right here, you big silly pants! No, we're not actually real writers so we could care less about the WGA. You'll take a deep breathe and thank God for American Idol and Terminator: The Sarah Conner Chronicles. He's been dead for about 5 years now- read a newspaper sometime.

Actually, some of us have excuses for being so lame. Freylock has been working more jobs than a Jamaican recently (an analrapist's work is never done); G-Train, as you well know, has been relocating to London and, um, getting robbed a lot; Stefbot has been, well, probably playing with her dog or something; and I've been hard at work researching great new online channels to fill your broadcast void.

So, without further ado, here are some of the best ones I've found.

My Damn Channel. This is actually the mother ship for a bunch of channels, including the Harry Shearer Channel, The Big Fat Brain Channel (see You Suck at Photoshop, above), and Wainy Days. Haha funny. And weird funny at times, too.

The Lair of the Dreaded Atrox. This one falls into the Funny Friends of Freylock category. Great stuff like Praise Anatomy, which unintentionally exposes the seedy underbelly of everyone's favorite wacky band of bed hopping surgeons. SUCKA PUNCH!!

Super Deluxe. The online home of Bob Odenkirk, among others. Nuff said. They also have a show called The Ding Dong Show, which is actually not as funny as the freak show that we know as Ding Dong, but oh well.

We promise, no writers were harmed in the making of these online shorts. Enjoy.

Leggo my logo

2008-01-25T13:26:00.000-08:00

In my perusings of Omnomnomnom yesterday, I stumbled upon a thread I like even better - Faces in Places. A pictorial chronicling of all the big & little faces found in the inanimate(?) world around us. Warning: After viewing a few pages of faces, you will begin looking for and finding faces pretty much everywhere you look. But is that such a bad thing?

Later that day, Jess was commenting on how we should get GTG t-shirts (you know, to commemorate our awesome writing ethic, or something), but alas, we have no logo. So I got to thinking, what would a GTG logo look like? It would need a ghost, and some graffiti, and just a hint of that special something that makes us so, well, special. Five minutes later, I presented her with this masterpiece of Photoshop:

Jess's response? "That's the most retarded thing I've ever seen."

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

Something like a phenomnomnomenon

2008-01-24T14:44:00.000-08:00

While the blogosphere waits with bated breath for G-Train's missive, I give you...

om nom nom nom

Or check the origin here.

thnx b 2 dingdong for teh link.

Called out

2008-01-23T17:49:00.000-08:00

Actual text from an email received from one G-Train

Mon, 21 Jan 2008 16:09:18 +0000

Heya suckas-

What's new? yeah that's great. Fascinating. Anyway, enough about you. I've been a luddite in Londinium lately and haven't been up on the email tip. But now it's 2008 and Galeon's got a fresh new writing ethic. Writer's strike or not, I'm going to start drizzling some blogsauce on the internet, stat. I've been burglarized, pickpocketed, and got in a fistfight with a bunch of kiwis. And that's all in the first month in Londinium. Got a lot to write about.

Figured this was the only way G was going to live up to his promise. Great post, G. No really. Slice of fried gold. Good on ya, mate.

Mind The Gap

2007-11-24T11:09:00.000-08:00

G-Train's leaving on a jet plane to Londontown in a few hours. I've been asked by Her Majesty the Queen to come over and help out for a few months. You know, steer that backwards little island empire into the 21st century. I just hope my room at Buckingham is ready by the time I arrive - I'm staying with Wills until M finds me a flat of my own.

Godspeed blokes, I'm off to the land of warm beer and fags. Expect regular posts from across the pond for awhile.

BTW, I can never remember, do you shake with the right hand because the British wipe their bums with the left, or is it the other way around? Filthy animals, the lot of them.

Thanks a Lot, Science.

2007-10-18T20:30:00.000-07:00

Well, it's official. We've handed the keys to civilization and mankind's future over to the fuckin robots again.

Yep. A group of misguided South African scientists built a fucking Robotic Cannon. Which OF COURSE immediately opened fire uncontrollably, killing and injuring everyone it could find.

My Mac keeps turning on by itself and...oh jesus I think my vacuum cleaner just looked at me funny. Fuck. My time machine isn't even close to ready and I still have to pick up my dry cleaning before the machines revolt and force the few survivors left undergroud.

Thanks a lot, science.

In Rainbows

2007-10-09T19:22:00.000-07:00

Comes out any minute now.

Get some.

Burret Point!

2007-10-04T19:16:00.001-07:00

Important announcement, folks. GTG has entered the 21st century. We've got analytics. That's right, Google Analytics. I wanted to find out if we have "lurkers" (that's webspeak for people who read but don't comment. Hey, I'm here to educate), or if our readership is truly comprised solely of the 4 of us and Jeffro.

How surprised was I to find that not only does GTG have a healthy domestic following, but, wait for it...wait for it...we're international. Let me just take a moment to holla at our reader from jolly old England! Wotcher!* And our new mate from Down Under! Most exciting of all, though, is that we're HUGE in Japan. 9 hits from the land of the rising sun today alone. Of course, it may have all been the same dude trying to figure out why Paris Hilton has a square nipple.

In any case, let me be the first to say dozo, oyasamenasai, o-hai-oh and especially HAI! to our new friends. That may not make any sense whatsoever, but it's all the Japanese I know, aside from "korekama fax-0 okurimas" which means, "I'd like to send a fax," and something tells me that's inappropriate to this conversation.

In honor of our readers from the east, allow me to introduce Ill Kum Jim. Because, as I like to say, if you offend one Asian Nation, you offend them all, and we aim to please. I've already put out an invitation to this guy to MC my Halloween DJ set. He's going as himself (obvs), and I'm going as Condi Rice. Cause, as you will learn from his little ditty, Asian men love Rice.

I've already got a costume- I'm going to cover the back of a shirt with rice, and on the front I'm going to pin the lease to a condo (give it a minute- there it is). All I need now is to get Sadie Mae a lil oil tanker costume.

And, in related news: Jackie Chan to play Mr. Miyagi. And that, dear readers, is something at which we can all take offense.

My work here is done.

Well, almost done. Squirrelcam!!!

*dunno what wotcher means, but I read it in a Harry Potter book so I'm pretty sure it's British.

Thanks to G-Train for his photoshopping skillz, and to Serena and Brian for the links.

Happy Hour

2007-10-02T20:32:00.000-07:00

Hell, who needs youtube when you've got GTG? Since we're on a kick, why not showcase one of the early works of our very own Freylock?

And I thought clowns were scary. Turns out we have more in common than I ever could have imagined.

Slice you open like a Taun Taun

2007-10-02T20:13:00.000-07:00

That Kung Fu is weak, G-Train. Only the force can help those monks now. Forget the wooden staff, try a light sabor:

Sith wish that they had a dick so hard.

Live From Myanmar

2007-10-02T13:08:00.000-07:00

I think I speak for everyone when I say how disappointed I am that there's this huge monk war going on in Myanmar and not a SINGLE mention of all the kung-fu fighting or Shaolin throwdowns that absolutely must be going on over there. I mean the entire country's gotta be like a cross between Kundun and The Last Dragon right now, with karate fights breaking out everywhere from pizza parlors to monasteries.

So once again Graffiti the Ghost is there to pick up the slack. Our very own foreign correspondent captured this grainy footage of a spontaneous confrontation between two monks just this morning:

I've said it before and I'll say it again, the only way to end this war is sit back and wait for a lone stranger to stumble into town, and armed with nothing but a wooden staff, kick both side's asses till he's the only man left standing.

I love Octobuh, ya'll.

2007-09-26T17:51:00.000-07:00

I've been looking for a good Halloween costume. Thank God for Alexyss.

I'll go as a Pussy Pilot, but only if Freylock will go as a big old block of Gov'munt Cheese.

PS- SFW, but only if you're wearing headphones.

Prank War!

2007-09-23T22:27:00.001-07:00

One day I had a party, and a friend of mine hid a full pack of gay playing cards with photos of naked dudes on each one all around my house. That was over two years ago, and those cards are still popping up every once in awhile, usually at the worst possible moments.

Best practical joke ever, I thought, until I saw this guy:

And no, the gay playing cards weren't mine, Jess.

Exhaustion

2007-09-15T08:37:00.000-07:00

I know that GTG is usually a place for fun, humor and super-happy playtime, but it is time for me to speak out about a serious epidemic that is casting a harsh shadow across some of our best and brightest in America.
We have all seen this debilitating illness take victim after victim and yet we do nothing about it – which is just what it wants. It strikes all – man or woman, black or white, rich or very, very rich – Exhaustion asks nothing of those who become its prey.

We know so little about Exhaustion: is it a virus or a disease? Can you inherit Exhaustion or is it something you pick up while attending a Kanye West after party? The studies are not only inconclusive, they are non-existent!!!

When Dave Chappelle left a Sacramento stage in 2004 screaming “It turns out I’m wrong, you people are stupid!” the signs were clear. It wasn’t until he walked away from millions of dollars to the waiting arms of South Africa that the horrible figure of Exhaustion was publicly revealed.

Thankfully, the next time that Exhaustion reared it’s ugly head, there was a hero waiting to fight back. Sheriff Lee Baca astutely recognized its early signs in a helpless female victim whom he grasped from Exhaustion’s tendrils in the nick of time. But Paris Hilton was to bear the brunt of the public’s ignorance and was sent back from her prison/mansion to battle Exhaustion alone and in a semi-private correctional facility.

We see the heartbreaking aftermath as another responsible young woman has fallen to this horrible epidemic. From rehab to late night drives with close friends, Lindsay Lohan finally lost her poignant battle to Exhaustion last month shortly after close friend Brittany Spears, obviously a fellow in this horrendous epidemic, showed early signs by routinely being too tired to put on her underpants.

Spreading it’s evil grip to the world of music, Exhaustion most recently claimed health food fanatic Amy Winehouse and now Meg White has cancelled the White Stripes tour because of Exhaustion’s evil cousin, Anxiety.

Fellow Americans, how long must we stand in silence as this modern day reaper continues to rip its scathe across the elite of our society? How many more VMA awards must we sit through before we finally realize that it may already be too late? If you suspect that yet another celebrity figure may be suffering from Exhaustion, please make a YouTube video as soon as possible and announce your allegiance as passionately as you can muster for your social icon of choice.

We have been silent for too long in defense of those who may be too tired to speak for themselves.

Stevie Wonderful

2007-09-06T14:52:00.000-07:00

This past Tuesday I got to experience the dream of a lifetime - seeing Stevie Wonder live. I didn't know anyone else willing to drop $200 on a ticket, so I went by myself, all the way down in Saratoga at the Mountain Winery, and I'm so glad I did. It was unreal. I was about 100 feet away from Stevie, with a perfect sight line - no straining to see over tall people's heads or anything. The crowd was up dancing for about 3/4 of the show, and everybody seemed equally enthralled by the experience.

Dude. Stevie Wonder.

I tried to remember every song he played, but this is all I can remember (in no particular order):

Too High
Golden Lady (!)
Ribbon in the Sky
Visions (!)
Living for the City
You Are the Sunshine of My Life
Superstition
Overjoyed (!)
Boogie On Reggae Woman (!)
Isn't She Lovely (which he sang to his daughter Aisha, who was on backup vocals)
My Cherie Amour
You Haven't Done Nothin'
Signed, Sealed, Delivered (which he also had the crowd sing as a country song after going through it the first time)

There must have been more because the show was about 2.5 hours, but that's all I can recall at the moment. Even just writing that list, I still can't believe I got to hear so many of my lifetime favorites sung live.

Stevie also spent a lot of time joking around, having silly little conversations with himself in different voices, and had to stop the jam a couple times because he was cracking himself up so hard.

Then at the end, just before leaving the stage, he took a few moments to talk about love and how it's our highest calling to love one another. And just when you thought Stevie might be getting a little soft, he closed it with "You know what I think about all the people who have nothing but hate? All the haters? I think they should just go ahead and die and go to hell and stop trying to make this world a living hell. Do you agree?" Damn, Stevie! I'm glad I'm on your side.

Fucking awesome.

Update!
He also played "Sir Duke" and "Don't You Worry 'Bout a Thing."

DO

2007-08-30T13:08:00.001-07:00

We thought we knew what hardcore was till this bitch came along. Just guessing here, but I bet she marks her bingo cards with live grenades, does bumps in the handicapped stall at the retirement home, and I'm pretty sure that cake's filled with nails and broken glass.

Blah blah blog

2007-08-28T22:31:00.000-07:00

Lots of good stuff piling up here in the ole blog-o-tricks, so let's just have an old fashioned link dump, shall we?

Watch this if you want to. Whatever. I don't care. Just remember- I was into it way before you were.

The man suffers from premature combustulation. Can't really blame that arsonist for not wanting to stay through the weekend. Everybody knows all the good parties at Burning Man happen early in the week. Besides, Tuesday is the new Saturday.

Oh, and staying home with google maps is the new going to BRC.

And, lessee, this is pretty cool. Allows you to block senders, screen calls, and makes the Dept. of Homeland's Security's job that much easier by recording every conversation that comes through and logging it on an insecure website. And yeah, I think they've caught onto what you mean when you say you want to score an "Ozzy" at 4:20, you silver tongued master of subturfuge, you. But don't worry- they still don't give a shit.

That's all for now, folks. My inbox is a veritable desert wasteland this week. Where the hell is everybody?

(PS- thanks Jeffro, Colin and Stephen for the links, and Chip for the LOL Burner.)

Sunset Junction, What's Your Function?

2007-08-21T10:47:00.001-07:00

The thing I love about Sunset Junction is the diversity. There were all kinds of white people there. But as I squeeze past goth chicks in butterfly wings and guys in bowler hats who still listen to Smashmouth, it suddenly hits me:

It's probably a trap.

I imagined we were all just hipster rabbits in an overcrowded hipster rabbit farm, distracted by indie bands and iced lattes until every now and again some Scientologist would reach his meaty hand into the fair and eat one of us. It could also be the perfect way for the mainstream to solve the hipster question by getting everyone who still says "deck" in the same place at the same time. The year they start selling imported German vinyl the trap will be complete.

So I'm onto you, Sunset Junction. But for now, it'll take weeks to get that lingering smell of ironic detachment out of my vintage tee, and I'm sending you the bill.

Friday bonus round

2007-08-10T14:29:00.001-07:00

Thanks to DingDong for dropping this nugget of kung fu awesomeness in my lap.

I love when he kicks the kids in the head. So good.

Friday grab bag

2007-08-10T10:40:00.000-07:00

Yeah yeah, so we haven't posted much lately. But I have been saving up some random tidbits and I think I finally have enough to constitute a full, albeit scattered, post.

Up first, Oklahoma!

That's some f'ed up shit right there. You're fighting the global war on terror with your license plate? O-keeey.

Moving on.

I don't remember how I stumbled upon this but there's some cool art in it - Royal Magazine. I like these portraits by Fiona Aboud.

Speaking of art, I found these paintings a while back while searching for a picture of Pterri the Pterodactyl from Pee-wee's Playhouse and I really dig 'em. Fine art meets your favorite pop culture/TV icons. Seriously - Pterri gettin' busy with a nekkid Miss Yvonne? I want, I want! And the artist, Isabel Samaras, lives right here in the Yay Area. Yay.

Also on the art tip (what, am I Jess now?), check out these dope dresses, scarves and wall hangings made entirely out of interconnected felt shapes by Galya Rosenfeld. She also has some cool stuff made of pins (see "pinafores") and snaps and such, so do take some time to poke around her site - there's a lot that's worth seeing. From her bio:

"Ruled by mathematic formulas as much as creativity, Rosenfeld’s designs emerge from the place where whimsy meets pragmatic thought. Her pieces are individually crafted, often without the use of thread, patterns or other tools found in traditional tailoring."

I have stared and stared at the modular pieces and still can't figure out exactly what the shapes are and how they're holding together. I guess I will just have to go visit a gallery or one of the stores where they sell her work and stare at it in person. Rosenfeld also resides here in the Yay, and her scarves are available here and in Santa Monica (for you LA types).

What else, what else. OK. You've probably heard about Bacon Salt by now. I haven't tried it, but I am very suspicious of anything that claims to have bacon flavor but doesn't actually contain any bacon. I'm all for giving our vegetarian friends a little taste of the good life, but not if it means giving them a false representation of the greatest and holiest delectable in the world of meat, i.e. pork fat.

Truffle Salt, on the other hand, is a product I can endorse whole-heartedly. Italian sea salt blended with ground black summer truffles. OMG. Unless you have major issues with sodium, I advise you to get out to the Ferry Building (if you're in SF), Rockridge's Market Hall (if you're in teh beast), or jump online (if you're somewhere else) and get you some. Sweet Jesus on a steak, this stuff is freaking amazing. Put it on a steak, potatoes, eggs, basically anything you could put regular salt on, and you will have a masterpiece of flavor on your hands (and very quickly in your mouth). The first night we brought this over to the home of Shernie to try it out, we were all sneaking off to the kitchen every few minutes to find some new vessel with which to transport more Truffle Salt onto our tongues.

Truffle Salt - It's the new crack!

And finally, because it's Friday, treat yourself to a big, hot chunk of Rock-a-fire Explosion. Go on, you've earned it.

Sometimes it's just easier to cut and paste

2007-07-18T19:18:00.000-07:00

jess: we have a temp working here today and none of us can tell if it's a man or a woman
Stef: ha
Stef: that's funny
jess: name is rene, so that doesn't help us much
Stef: wow
jess: my money is on woman, but the office manager thinks its a man and has been calling her he all day
Stef: you have to blog these things
jess: who has time to blog? too busy IMing
jess: do you think it's rude to ask someone?
Stef: um
Stef: yeah
Stef: why don't you follow him/her to the bathroom?
jess: yeah, you're right- that's much more polite
Stef: you should ask for a middle name
Stef: maybe it would be a clue
jess: it doesn't have boobs
jess: but it's got the delicate bone structure of a woman
jess: but it has close cropped hair like a man
jess: but lots of black women have close cropped hair
Stef: what kind of voice?
Stef: hands?
Stef: adam's apple?
jess: voice, no help
jess: haven't looked for an adam's apple
jess: it's got a big blousy button down shirt on
jess: so it's kind of hard to tell
Stef: reminds me of "it's pat!" on SNL

Stef: A lot of people say, "What's that?" It's Pat!
A lot of people ask, "Who's he? Or she?"
A ma'am or a sir, accept him or her
or whatever it might be.
It's time for androgyny.
Here comes Pat!
jess: yeah, that's its nickname here
jess: i hope it doesn't hear us talking about it
jess: it's really very nice
Stef: so wrong
jess: 2 earrings
jess: but no purse
Stef: well hell dingdong has 4 earrings
Stef: and i have no purse
jess: that doesn't help me stefanie
Stef: i know

Like Alice without Wonderland

2007-07-12T11:54:00.000-07:00

The Good News: Scientists have figured out how to target the pleasure center of the brain!

The Bad News: They invented a pill to turn it off.

Wow, those scientists know how to have a good time. I'd love to be at one of their parties where they're passing these babies around.

Hey, Here's an Idea

2007-07-08T17:44:00.000-07:00

I want to pop out behind somebody at a bus station, all rumpled clothing and bloodshot eyes, grab the person and frantically ask, "Please. There's not much time. H-how many of us are left?" and then, "Wait, what year is this?!" When she tells me it's 2007, I'll close my eyes and whisper "Oh my God, They did it. They really did it!" Then I'd give her a big bear hug, laughing and screaming into the sky "It worked!!" before bounding away, enthusiastically hi-fiving every person I pass.

Just an idea.

I made my own lol jess

2007-07-03T15:48:00.000-07:00

Who fartid?

HAH-HA!

2007-07-03T02:15:00.001-07:00

So I'm working late (again) when the need for caffeine hits like the unwanted hug of an overweight, over-emotional Aunt at Christmas time. I stumble out of the office and into my car to begin searching for the nearest source of Columbia's second largest export. Every place is closed. Isn't this Los Angeles?!! Starbucks is damn near saturation level in this city and I can't find a fuckin' coffee!?! Needless to say, frustration is meeting desperation when I see this:

Needless to say I think that the late nights have finally encroached too much on my grey matter. This and the unexpected crowd of people at a 7-11 at 2AM... honestly, it really freaked me out. I love Springfield as much as any other three fingered, bug-eyed American, but there is no need for it to jump up and bitch slap me in the middle of the freakin' night.

I push my way through a throng of post-teens waiting near a "Squichee" machine like it's churning out iPhones, walk past a case of Buzz Cola near a life-size Chief Wiggum and finally get my coffee.

And then I get the hell_out_of_there.

After all of that crap and I couldn't even get a Duff...

Rufus = Fabulous = My Big Gay Crush

2007-07-02T16:42:00.000-07:00

After being quite literally lifted off our asses and into a hot tent by Rufus Wainwright's deliciously precocious stage banter at Coachella, DingDong and I were happily surprised this past weekend to discover that DD has two-plus albums from Rufus in his iTunes library. One might argue that if you're unaware you have two whole albums from someone in your iTunes that maybe you have too much music in your iTunes, but it's exactly such overloading of the iTunes that leads to such happy discoveries as the one DD and I had Saturday. Moving on...

Coachella was the first time I heard RW (well, aside from the songs I've heard here & there in movies & such but didn't know who it was I was hearing) and I totally dug him. Or, as Jess so perceptively noted at the time, "Someone totally has a crush!" A hopeless crush of course, as it's quite clear Rufus is the gayest thing since gay came to gay town.

As we listened to the couple hours worth of songs DD had, Rufus quickly belted his way into my current top 10, and probably my all-time top 20. (One album was Want One, and I'll check tonight and update what the other was, for whoever's counting). But the song that's really doing it for me, and has been running in my head quite happily since Saturday, is "Oh What a World." It's like a river of fabulous steadily rising and finally overflowing its banks and flooding the land with super-fabulousness.

But don't take my word for it, check this:

What a doll. Love the witch costume. Love the nod to Coit Tower at the end too (which is right outside my window at the moment here at work).

Oh and he's coming to SF and LA in August/September. Nashville too! The LA show, at the Hollywood Bowl, will feature Rufus singing the complete program Judy Garland performed at the Hollywood Bowl in 1961, with complete orchestra. Oh and what a coincidence, it's only 6 days after my birthday!

And the livin's easy

2007-06-30T12:10:00.000-07:00

I love summertime. Sun's out, clothes are scarce, nights are warm, and this city finally redeems itself for all of its douchy shortcomings throughout the rest of the year. SoCal in the summer is a great place to be, so I decided I'd compile my favs into a best of LA summertime post.

And we're off with...

Pinkberry

I've blogged Pinkberry before, but it's worth a second mention, especially since no "best of summer" list would be complete without it. Love it. Love IT. LOVE it. Freylock can scowl all he wants to at the overpriced Korean chotchkies on the shelves, but even he knows that there are very few bad moods or PMS induced rants that can't be silenced by a regular w/ kiwi, blueberry and coconut.

Back in the day when Brownhole introduced me to this better than sin frozen addiction there were only 2 locations in town, which meant standing in line for at least a half an hour anytime you needed a fix. Now Pinkberrys are popping up around the south land faster than flies on the potato salad at a July 4 BBQ. I welcome our yogurt wielding overlords with open arms. Bigger than the Big Mac? You betcher ass it is.

Cinespia @ Hollywood Forever Cemetery

You've gotta love a town that sees any open lawn bordered by a big, white wall and says, hey, we could show movies here! So what if that lawn happens to be smack in the middle of one of the largest cemeteries in Los Angeles, and so what if that white wall happens to be the side of a huge mausoleum? All the better, in fact, since you can now plop down among the hipsteratti with your bottle of wine and fat bowl and watch a classic movie within 100 yards of the decomposing corpse of the starlet it features. There's just something so twisted and brilliant about that.

Upcoming movies include Roman Holiday, Fast Times at Ridgemont High, and One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. So nice. Link.

The Red Lion

LA has no Zeitgeist. No place even comes close. Not gonna happen. No way.

That said, when you just have to have a pint in a pleasant beer garden setting, there is always the Red Lion Tavern. German (or at least Eastern European) chicks in boob-squashing traditional garb will fetch you some pretty decent Hefeweisen and brats, but I doubt you could get away with nudity or even the occasional puffery without getting thrown out on your rear. Needless to say, hitting a Chinaman square in the noggin with a giant tootsie roll (even if it's Greg), dangling a wet green bean in a stranger's exposed butt crack, and chucking a full pint across the beer garden are all verboten. Damn. Even as I type this I'm getting depressed and homesick. I love Zeitgeist. So much.

Sigh.

Pure Filth Dubstep Tuesdays at Mary Higgins Gallery

Dirty, grimy, sweaty bass in an underground basement speakeasy. Old school- with a password at the back door for entry. This is evil bass. Boom.

Last time we were here G Train and Jeffro almost burned the place down when they set a nearby couch on fire. I happened to be on the dance floor at the time. All I heard was the MC saying, "Yeah, yeah yeah. Yeah. Yo, yo, yo yo.... put your hands in the air. Yo, just wantchall to know there's a fire exit at the back of the dance floor. Yeah, yeah, yeah, put em up, put em up ya'll."

When I walked back into the lounge there was a hole where the couch used to be and G Train and Jeffro standing there casually sipping their drinks. Their drinks were the only ones left in the room. They had used everyone else's drinks to put out the fire.

I hate those guys. So much.

In any case, I highly recommend the night. You just may want to choose your company a bit more carefully than I did. Link.

Little Radio Summercamp

Sex, drugs, rock n roll, and kiddie pools. Every Sunday during the summer Little Radio opens their downtown internet broadcast station and the gated lot next door to hordes of hipsters who come to, well, to outhipster each other as far as I can tell. Child molester mustaches, ironic t-shirts, and 80s inspired headbands (think Olivia Newton John getting physical) are the order of the day, proving once again that when everyone is unique, sadly no one is.

Aside from all that, Summercamp is a hell of a good time. Where else can you drink all day at an open bar, see two or three damn good bands, choose between a bouncy castle or a bouncy waterslide, take a dip in the kiddie pool, and play ping pong all while double fisting tasty cocktails and giggling like a little school girl? Yep, that's right. Nowhere.

See you there. $10 donation at the door. Dress to distress.

Echo Park Paddleboats

Evidently the paddle boats in Echo Park are an endangered species. I haven't actually been out on one yet, but it's my dream to schedule a paddle boat regatta before the summer's over and the boats sail away to that big condom choked inner city pond in the sky. Any takers?

Obviously this is a list in evolution. More to come as I discover it. Next up: 4th of July in the ghetto, hosted by Jeffro and yours truly. The neighbors have already been warming up for several weeks now, but I get the feeling they're saving the big guns for the night itself. More to come, assuming we survive.

ET iPhone home

2007-06-29T15:21:00.000-07:00

Waiting in line for an iPhone got you down? Go get yourself a free Jamba Juice, yo. Stick with the all-fruits though - the other ones are loaded with sugar. Not that I have anything against sugar, mind you. It's just that when I'm trying to be healthy by drinking juice, I like to avoid downing two cups of sugar at the same time. It's how I keep my girlish figure. Well, girlish with a big ole booty.

Better yet, fuck the iPhone. Gw'on and get yourself the hottest new accessory this side of Green Acres, the iPig.

With 30 gigabacons, he's basically a walking Brass Tax party - just add speakers.

'Course he's almost too cute to eat.

Almost.

If i wuz prezadent

2007-06-28T15:25:00.000-07:00

Just when you thought we'd reached the pinnacle of teh internets' capacity for humor with retarded kitten funsies, soundboy goes and sends you a link to LOL President.

The formula works seamlessly when applied to GWB, because 9 times out of 10 the look on his stupid ass face perfectly matches that of a retarded kitten.

Yes, George, this shit is in fact bananas.

Scorpio

2007-06-17T22:57:00.000-07:00

I just stumbled on this NPR tribute to a classic little nugget of funk and I highly recommend that you take 5 minutes of your day and treat yourself to a listen. Go on, you've earned it.

It's even better if you picture G-Train running away from a host of lions, tigers and monkeys in an old 70's cop chase-type scene while you listen. Run, G-Train, Run!!

Live from Kakamega

2007-06-15T08:26:00.000-07:00

This just in from G-Train:

Your intrepid correspondent is reporting from the awesomely named
Kakamega, Kenya (makes me think of dropping the foodbabies off at the
pool), about to head off blindly into a rain forest. Just spent a few
days in the Masai Mara and Serengeti, which is almost as wild as an
evening at Wendy's with David Hasslehoff.

"Is that a chilipeno? Holy crap!"
Giraffes get their first taste of the G-Train.

OK, for the record, going on Safari in Africa is some Jurassic Park
shit. After seeing lions, cheetahs, and giraffes come out of nowhere
like 5 feet away from me for 4 days, I'd only be kinda surprised if a
dinosaur popped out from behind a bush and snatched up a unicorn in
its jaws. Besides the huge baboon that kept coming into camp and
barking at us for food like a needy little diva, the coolest thing I
saw was a standoff between a herd of elephants and a pride of lions.
It was like Westside Story, except here the Jets and Sharks actually
eat each other.

Artist's rendering

I'm filthy, scruffy, and extremely sunburnt. Which means I'm the same
as I normally am, except the sunburnt bit, I guess.

More soon. Smell you later...

Grafitti the Ghost: Africa Edition!

2007-05-29T14:37:00.000-07:00

Grafitti the Ghost has decided to plant a home office in Uganda and Kenya for a month, and your intrepid foreign correspondant G-Train will be there carving a path throughout the dark continent so that you don't have to.

I'll be doing the usual stuff one does in Africa - driving a land rover around the Serengeti with a talking gorilla solving mysteries, hunting down big game with my trusty elephant gun to raise awareness for endangered species, and ironically naming native tribes I discover after 80's hair-metal bands. Same old same old.

So screw the Discovery Channel, change that channel from Planet Earth and cancel your subscription to Blue - you've got G-Train now, and I've got a continent to conquer. Godspeed to you all, check in once in a while for maybe an interesting 5 minutes, and I'll see you in a few weeks.

P.S. If you're lucky I'll bring you back some malaria as a gift.

Go Sylar!!

2007-05-28T09:09:00.000-07:00

To anyone who has not seen the last episode of Heroes, please read no further.

For everyone else, this is a major geek alert.

Anyone who knows me knows that I am the geekiest of geeks when it comes to comic books. I even watched that piece of trash Fantastic Four movie even though I knew it would suck. So a weekly series about super heroes had me slapping my geek vein pretty hard and getting ready for a major nerd fix.

Imagine my disappointment as I watched these “heroes” bitch, complain and moan every week like a group of dysfunctional namby pambys in a therapist’s waiting room. Save the Cheerleader?! Look back at the episode true believers – it was the bad guys that took Sylar down on that one, not any of the heroes. My frustration would build with every episode as they would run around and basically do nothing but complain! Any time a hero would encounter the evil Sylar, they would fuck up royally and get their ass kicked. Think about it: there’s a guy who can stop time and he can’t manage to lop someone’s head off. Here’s an idea – Stop time. Go get a cup of coffee. Have a doughnut or two. Walk back to bad guy and chop his head off. Do some laundry or something, then, turn time back on. Badda bing.

The only hero with some cajones was that bad-ass Jessica broad who actually would take it downtown on the hoodlums in a serious way. But even with her we had to wade through the weepy Nikki until she decided to look in a mirror from time to time.

Now let’s get to Peter, the lead Hero. The first time he meets Sylar, he turns invisible and then walks about two feet away from the evil dude. One would think that he would try to get behind him, smack him in the face, or even run out the door, but no – he just stands two feet away from certain death and gets a well-deserved shard of glass in his skull.

It was that episode that turned me. Rather than watch week after douche-chilling week for the Heroes to shut up and do something, I decided I was rooting for Sylar. Sure he kills a few people and all, but at least he is getting off his ass and doing something. He’s a real go-getter who won’t take no for an answer. Of course there’s the added bonus that he is not terminally stupid. I actually began to enjoy the show as he would outwit all these heroes and their sidekicks all the while kicking ass and taking names. So he eats brains every once in a while. A small price to pay for getting to watch someone do something and not scream at the screen in frustration as yet another hero did something incredibly dumb in the face of conflict.

So imagine my disappointment in the final episode when I watched the little time-stopper (who looks like he is trying to drop a deuce every time he uses his power) get a few hours of training with Lieutenant Sulu and suddenly he can stab the only bad-ass on the show. Not that I hold it against Sylar, I mean he was outnumbered and trying to drop the whimpy little Peter who was about to kill all of New York because he couldn’t even mange to control his Extreme Exploding Fireball Action Hands ™.

But I should have known better. That Sylar’s got moxie and he managed to crawl away into the sewers to fight another day. Yup. Right under the noses of half a dozen heroes and stabbed through the chest, he got away clean. What a guy. So on the scoreboard at the end of the season: Sylar – about 12, Heroes – 0.

I can’t wait for the next season of heroes. Maybe Sylar will eat the brains of that Indian doctor guy and gain the power of Overly Effeminate Pseudo-British Action™.

D'yer Mak'er Faire

2007-05-23T16:19:00.000-07:00

This past weekend I was a volunteer re-fashionista at Make magazine's Maker Faire in San Mateo. While the bulk of the Faire consisted of more techy or "build-y" projects, like a giant electric giraffe or the Neverwas Haul, I worked at the Swap-o-rama-rama, where people brought bags of clothes to donate, grabbed other people's castoffs, then came to the likes of me for assistance in re-constructing them into renewed wearables.

It turned out to be quite inspiring. Our area was packed with a steady flow of people all day, with at least a hundred people in the room at any given time. People were genuinely excited about the things they making and some had really clever ideas about how to refashion the pieces they'd picked up at the swap. I assisted everyone from an asshole 5-year-old whose mother needed to tell her "NO" a little more frequently, to a guy who had come down from Vancouver just for the Faire, to a shy tween girl who was afraid to use a sewing machine by herself, to a woman who had never sewed before and stuck with me all day learning how to make a skirt. She came back the next day to show me another one she had made at night after she went home from the Faire.

I spent Sunday morning reconstructing an XL Maker Faire 2006 t-shirt. And hey, look who turned up on the Maker Faire blog!

I didn't have a ton of time to see the rest of the Faire, but what I did see was very cool and very inspiring. It was also nice to see some of my favorite Burning Man projects (such as the aforementioned giraffe & Neverwas Haul) not covered in playa dust for once. You could easily spend the entire weekend there, and I highly suggest that everyone check it out at least one day next year.

What the oompa loompa on the right was really looking for in his leotard

2007-05-21T15:34:00.000-07:00

Petrellicious

2007-05-18T19:43:00.000-07:00

Ok, now I know that Fergie is known for pushing the boundaries of taste. That's cool. She has lovely lady lumps. Whatever. But this is going too far.

First, Fergie probably ways a buck 5, soaking wet. No way could she steal the car of a guy that can absorb the power of any hero he encounters (including the new Extreme Exploding Fireball Action Hands! _TM).

And B, She uses as justification for her cold hearted, ruthless actions the fact that Petrelli met with some questionable dudes, who handed him a little package of mysterious nature. Ok, well let's examine the facts. Peter is a super sweet, all-American hero. The dude saves cheerleaders, for christ's sake. Whatever he was doing with those fellas was indubitably linked to defeating his turncoat douchslut of a brother and saving New York from da bomba (as Hiro would put it). Can we cut the brotha some slack, please?

Not sure what went wrong with their relationship- maybe Peter didn't give her all his icey- but I think our examination of the facts has proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that Fergie was in the wrong. And should really fire her stylist immediately for making her wear that horrible little hat.

But she does, as J-fro points out, mention that she will miss him like a child misses his blanket. That's nice.

PS- Two Hero posts in a row. Wow. That's pushing the geek factor like G-Train and Freylock at a comic book convention. Well, you can at least be glad to know that I couldn't care less who America chooses to be its next idol, top model, dancer with a wooden leg, "it girl", or even sweetheart. So buck up, it could be worse.

But speaking of wooden legs, there is one reality show that I will be following this season. Our friend Azmyth was one of the contestants on this pirate themed reality show from the producer of Survivor. You can see a special preview Sunday at 9pm on CBS. Consider it plugged.

PPS- Stefbot pointed out that this will be our 300th post on GTG. Since we missed our 100th and 200th milestones, I thought it was worth pointing out at least. We'd like to thank our loyal readers, all two of you, for hanging in there through the thin times. We promise to keep polluting the blogosphere with bacon, fat dwarves, zombies and lolkittahs for as long as we have, well, as long as we have the downtime at work, really.

Short Fat Revolution

2007-05-18T15:54:00.000-07:00

Apparently the uppity short, fat people got themselves organized and now want the same rights as you and me.

I guess this means I'll have to release my pet midget now. That sucks.

I'd drive him to work sometimes like a Tauntaun, riding piggyback and holding on tightly to his back hair while he ran on his stumpy little legs. And whenever my friends and I needed a laugh we'd get him stoned and give him a battleaxe - that Middle Earth shit never gets old.

But I'm reading at a 5th grade level

2007-05-18T11:36:00.000-07:00

My dad emailed a quaint story to my mom, brother and I this morning which demonstrated that even as a wee lass, my sense of humor was already operating at a 4th grade level. And it went a little something like this: (hit it dad!)

As I approach old age, I look back at some of my fondest memories.

One involved Stefanie at a young age.

One day, I looked at her as her brow was knit in concentration. I wondered what thought was troubling her.

Suddenly, a smile lit her face as she proudly announced, 'I blowed de faht!'

Treasure these moments, y'all.

Towelie makes appearance at Prince show

2007-05-16T11:58:00.000-07:00

Though his appearance was almost overshadowed by a crazy bitch that thought being invited onstage to dance meant she could dry hump the Purple One, the Periwinkle One nevertheless managed to steal the show last week in London. Once the woman was disposed of by a quick-thinking bouncer, Prince got back into his groove and called Towelie out to the stage.

After a couple false starts during which Towelie appeared confused and disoriented, he performed a duet of "Funkytown" with Prince, while lounging directly on Prince's sassy little head.

On rumors that the two smoked a joint together before the show, Towelie giggled and replied, "Well, maybe we just got a little high."

When pressed for confirmation, Prince, in his typically enigmatic fashion, responded simply, "You're a towel."

Only a 25 for nerdiness? Really?

2007-05-13T12:46:00.000-07:00

I think taking this online "Which Hero Are You" test should score me at least a 40 right out of the gate. I guess they took points off because I don't speak Klingon, and only a few words of Elvish.

Plus, as anyone who really knows me can attest, my fondness for "bad behavior" is actually one of my best qualities.

Your Score: Eden McCain

You scored 45 Idealism, 58 Nonconformity, 25 Nerdiness

I think you really want a donut.
Congratulations, you're Eden McCain! You've got a colorful past, and your persuasive abilities are second to none. In addition, you're a quick thinker with a solid amount of guts.

Your best quality: The art of persuasion
Your worst quality: A fondness for some stereotypically "bad" behavior

Link: The Heroes Personality Test written by freedomdegrees on OkCupid, home of the The Dating Persona Test

Can K.I.T. make a beer run?

2007-05-11T01:16:00.000-07:00

Wendy’s restaurants today unveiled an aggressive and controversial marketing campaign targeted at today’s single fathers. While it may seem shocking and downright sad to the uneducated consumer, a spokesperson from the fast food chain had this to say: “The single father is left adrift in a world filled with change, weekend visitations, online porn and lots of alcohol. What better demographic should we be gunning for!?It’s like shooting stoned fish in a barrel of molasses!”

The video, featuring an obviously intoxicated star of stage and small screen and filmed by his 14 year-old daughter is harrowing in its scope. Not only does it bring to bear the fact that Wendy’s is open late night, but it shows that a star of Baywatch remains steadfast to his healthy lifestyle by eating a scrumptious burger without the carb-ridden bun, if only because he can’t manage to function well enough to hold a piece of meat between two pieces of bread and lay on the floor at the same time.

While not airing on national television, Wendy’s feels that the seeds of online marketing will pay off: “We at Wendy’s feel that this whole internet thing is catching on. We are very excited about this viral campaign and expect rapid growth in the drunkard, lush and deadbeat markets. We couldn’t be happier!”

On a real note: thankfully, the Hoff has lost all custody rights to his children pending a court review.

On another note, Neither K.I.T. nor Zima could not be reached to comment.

omglolkitteh

2007-05-10T15:18:00.000-07:00

In perusing the GTG archives, I realized that my two-year bloggerversary just passed a few days ago. And you know, the more things change, the more retarded kitten funsies get.

Thnx to teh sound:boy for introducing me to yet another kitten funsies site today, icanhascheezburger.com. Some repeats, but not so many that I didn't just spend half an hour looking at page after page of lolcats.

Venn Diagram of my Heart

2007-05-09T13:34:00.001-07:00

I guess sometimes happiness is drafty.

Ma' cavity

2007-05-07T15:19:00.000-07:00

No, I'm not talking about the Hidden Paw from the "Old Possum's Book of Practical Cats," or this fur-clad bastard. I'm talking about the sad little hole in my toof that's getting filled this afternoon. Apparently you're never too old to get a cavity. Anyone know of a good BYONitrous dentist in the Yay Area?

Let this be a reminder to you, our gentle, dental-pick-fearing readers, to remain vigilant against those who would make holes in teef.

I Got Coachella in my Eye

2007-05-01T11:40:00.000-07:00

Lie down motionless in a cool, air-conditioned sensory deprivation tank for about 3 days, and you'll get a pretty good feeling of the exact opposite of what last weekend's supersonic orgy of hot hot hotness, the Coachella Valley Music and Arts Festival, was all about. Sorta like going on a nature hike where all the trees are replaced by bands and DJs.

Most the shows were kickass. Some, not so much. Of Montreal kicked off with some dirty fuzzy distortion rock. We shook our feet really good on LCD Soundsystem's rhythm rug. The Decemberists were reliably pretentious. The Arcade Fire was an epic wall of sound, with Ghostface Killah politely filling in the dead air between songs from his stage next door.

Bjork capped it off with her familiarly unfamiliar blend of rock, electronica and river nymphs, playing a wild sound machine that looked like the kind of baby a poker table and a submarine sonar device would have if they had sex.

Oh, and I'm now convinced that Amy Winehouse is really a 60-year old black woman from a Baptist church in southern Georgia who's soul found a way to possess the bod of a 23-year old white British alcoholic chick with hair like Elvira:

Of course, the concert was only part of the madness. Maxin and Chillaxin by the pool till the breaka breaka marked the first time all 3 Ghosts spilled our Graffitti together outside the blogosphere, successully fighting off a band of roving golf ninjas and penning the raver slasher flick that will sweep the nation, as soon we get around to filming it.

PS I've decided to name my firstborn "!!!" Instead of calling him by name you'll have to wear an expression of surprise/excitement on your face otherwise he won't be sure who you're talking to.

Say hello to my little friends

2007-04-17T18:59:00.000-07:00

So, a little business meeting took me down to good ole Alabama this weekend. I normally hate traveling for business, but this particular trip allowed me the rare pleasure of paying a visit to the Stockton family farm, Bide-a-wee (don't ask- it's from some Irish poem or something), just outside Birmingham.

I love spending time on the farm, especially during the spring, when the tulips are in bloom, the horses are frisky, and the rivers run with sweet tea.

(the horses, in a not so frisky moment)

Now, my parents have expressed disappointment in the past with some of my life choices (LA? Really?), but to their credit they do recognize my strengths. Which is why the first thing out of my Dad's mouth when I arrived was, "so, I've been thinking of buying a surround sound system for my mega-lo gigantoid high def TV. Wanna help me choose one and install it?"

"Why yes, Father. Yes I do."

And Mom followed that up with, "oh, and my friend down the street just hatched some baby ducklings. Wanna go down there and help us pick some out?"

"Why yes, Mother, I think that's a splendid idea."

So off we went on our fantasy shopping spree, arriving home later bearing surround sound and 5 little, fluffy week-old mallards.

Swallowing my guilt at the memory of the tasty (and oh so tender) duck breast with quince confit feast that Freylock had treated me to a mere 2 days previous, I learned to love the little guys immediately.

What you might not know about hatchlings is that when incubated and raised without the benefit of a duck mother, they never really learn to fly. And that, like many a cartoon hatchling before them, they imprint on the first creature to care for them. That would be me. It wasn't long before I had them literally eating out of my hand, hopping up and down in my lap, and happily taking turns splashing around in their water dish. These are some seriously cute little creatures, people.

(exhibit 1)

When faced with the task of naming them, however, my parents are in dire need of some assistance. Dad's first instinct was to name them after the Dixie Chicks. Cute, but c'mon Dad, we already have a dog AND a horse named Willie, and a cat named Emmie Lou. While I'm all for continuing the theme, let's get a little creative. Plus, what if they're boys? "Well then, we'll name them after the Coen brothers."

Ok, great. But neither of these naming conventions accounts for the fact that there are 5 of them. So, in a duck shell, I'm turning to some of the most creative people I know for ideas. They're all out of town (haha. Get it? They're all out of town. I quack myself up sometimes), so if any of you can think of any good (or foul) names to throw in the hat, bring em.

Damn, I'm gonna miss eating duck.

If only it was this simple...

2007-04-09T11:30:00.000-07:00

Food art

2007-04-03T15:12:00.000-07:00

Exhibit A, which I am totally going to make for some lucky meatlover's birthday (haven't decided who...maybe it will be you!): the meat cake. Bravo, Black Widow Bakery, bravo. (and thanks to prince pablo for the link)

Exhibit B, I really only like because of its name, My Sweet Lord. It's Jesus in chocolate form! Now somebody just needs to create a Jesus made of cheese so we can have christ on a cracker.

Exhibit C, just because food art goes better in 3's: Mashed potato alien sculpture.

Do-It-Yourself Foreign Aid!

2007-03-27T16:06:00.000-07:00

First off, this might be the greatest thing I've seen in a long while.

This morning I'm sitting there reading the NYTimes, and I see Nicholas Kristof's column about poverty in Afghanistan. He talks about Kiva, a small microfinance non-profit organization started in 2004 by a couple who traveled through Kenya, Tanzania, and Uganda (exactly the countries where I'm going to be traveling to in a coupla months). So I checked into it, and it's legit.

The idea's ridiculously simple: You find an entrepreneur in a developing nation, learn a bit about the business they're starting up, and if you dig their business model you lend them some money through Paypal. In a year or two, they pay you back 100%. Then you withdraw your money. Or you can lend more to somebody else. They have a repayment rate of 100%.

The world's flat, kids. Yay the internets.

Maybe someone can make a microloan to Duke so they can buy themselves some real basketball players. Snap.

Somebody's gonna be pregnant

2007-03-16T10:08:00.000-07:00

Congratulations - if you're reading this, you successfully survived the Ides of March. Now if you can only get through St. Patrick's Day without getting as drunk as Tracy Morgan is in this clip, you'll be golden. Prince Pablo and I were crying from laughing as we watched this yesterday:

(thanx pp for the link)

And speaking of Tracy Morgan, there's no time like the present to shimmy into your green jumpsuit and revisit good ol' Astronaut Jones:

Word!

p.s. DingDong is playing at Mighty tonight with a bunch of other DJ types. Come on out - if it's warm out they might have him playing outside, and that spells F-U-N.

In Case You Missed It

2007-02-27T14:34:00.000-08:00

So here's a quick wrap up of this week's news so far.

James Cameron found the tomb of Christ...
...leading to the Taliban's unsuccessful attempt to assassinate Dick Cheney,

...to prevent him from completing his mission to personally eat every last honeybee in existence.

Male frogs staged a mass protest, converting to female in a widely misunderstood political statement lost on everyone but them.

All of which has caused the stock market to drop drastically.

That is all. As you were.

Moo and Oink

2007-02-16T14:12:00.000-08:00

Happy Friday and three-day-weekend eve, everybuddy! To celebrate, I invite you to feast your eyes on this. I love, love, love the guy bagging the chicken wings. Is that an angel?

And for those of you who are wondering, yes, that is exactly what all grocery stores are like in Chicago, all the time. Now you know why I am the way I am.

(big ups to timmay for the link)

Who's Your Daddy?

2007-02-13T13:52:00.000-08:00

Uh oh, I think I might be Anna Nicole Smith's babydaddy too.

It was a brief affair. We met cute in the frozen food aisle at Albertson's. Our hands touched for a moment as we reached for the Hot Pockets, but I felt the electricity, and days later over a pint of methadone flavored ice cream, she would tell me she did too.

So if the baby turns out to be extremely attractive with cappucino skin and a penchant for artificial orange soda, I guess I'll just have to start saving up for child support.

Only time will tell. Rest in peace Anna.

Saved!

2007-02-06T16:00:00.000-08:00

You're totally a bigot if you really believed Ted Haggard was gay.

Turns out he was just sick with the gaysies and needed a spoonful of God to make it go bye-bye. Now he's completely heterosexual again. This is good news because it means more crystal meth and male prostitutes for the rest of us.

Haggard says "he and his wife, Gayle, intend to leave Colorado Springs and pursue master's degrees through online courses." No mention however about any plans to lower mortgage payments or purchase cheap Viagra.

Welcome back, Ted. Catch you at the EndUp.

Bear Down!

2007-02-03T21:40:00.000-08:00

Because I promised Chip I would post this, here are five great renditions of the Chicago Bears' fight song. Listen to all five and you'll probably have it memorized - it's pretty easy to learn. A little harder to actually sing.

1. As sung by the Sounds of Sweetness boys a capella choir from the Walter Payton College Prep school in Chi-town.

2. As sung by Bryan Griffin of Chicago's Lyric Opera.

3. My favorite, Chicago Sings Bear Down, featuring none other than Norm from Cheers (born & raised in Chicago, Illinois!)

4. A cute punk band from Chicago, Manic Sewing Circle, doing a fun punk version on the Chicago TV news, complete with spastic skanking bunny and trombone player in a classic Bears sweater.

5. A spirited rendition from an awesome seven year old kid.

Incidentally, Bravo is showing a Princess Bride marathon right now. A bit of trivia for you: Fred Savage (the kid the story is being read to in the movie) is wearing a Walter Payton Shirt, and has Walter Payton and The Fridge posters up in his room.

Go Bears!

It Must be Opposite Day

2007-02-01T15:56:00.000-08:00

...because looks like Rush Limbaugh was nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize:

OK that's cool. We nominate particle physicist Nicole Ritchie for the Nobel Prize for Physics...

...the gum disease gingivitis for Surgeon General...

...and Barbaro as best horse in aisle 5:

Good luck to all of you. May the best man or horse or anorexic win.

And don't forget to brush, kids.

Square the Quad-Laser and you have, behold: The Quad-Glaser.

2007-01-31T15:01:00.000-08:00

A guerilla marketing scheme for Aqua Teen Hunger Force went horribly awry in Boston today.

oooops.

While I do think it was a pretty retarded idea to put things with visible circuit boards and wires underneath bridges, it's not exactly accurate to call it a "hoax," as the Governor of Massachusetts did. I doubt the folks at Adult Swim, or whoever came up with this, really wanted to scare people into thinking there were bombs planted all over their city with freakin Ignignokt on them.

But who knows. Perhaps their plan is just advanced beyond all that we can possibly imagine with 100% of our brains.

(Thx to Pablo for the story. Incredible how fast this shit gets thrown up on Wikipedia.)

Da Bears

2007-01-30T16:56:00.000-08:00

Just saw this joke on the Chicago Tribune site and thought I'd share:

Peyton Manning, after living a full life, died.

When he got to heaven, God was showing him around.

They came to a modest little house with a faded Colts flag in the window. "This house is yours for eternity, Peyton," said God. "This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here."

Peyton felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house. On his way up the porch, he noticed another house just around the corner. It was a 3-story mansion with a blue and orange sidewalk, a 50-foot tall flagpole with an enormous Bears logo flag, and in every window, a Chicago Bears towel.

Peyton looked at God and said, "God, I'm not trying to be ungrateful, but I have a question. I was an all-pro QB, I hold many NFL records, and I even went to the Hall of Fame."

God said, "So what's your point, Peyton?"

"Well, why does Rex Grossman get a better house than me?"

God chuckled, and said: "Peyton, that's not Rex's house, it's mine."

My new kick ass phone.

2007-01-20T10:24:00.000-08:00

Hey everybody, here's my new phone:

Here it is from another angle (floating in space):

Things my new phone can do:

1. Make phone calls
2. Ring when others call me (current ringtone: Idioteque. That's right.)
3. Tell time and date.
4. Take pictures of my cat chillin in the bed. (see exhibit A)

Exhibit A:

That is all.

This is Corey Haim's World. You and I? We Just Live In It.

2007-01-15T23:34:00.000-08:00

So what the fuck ever happened to Cory Haim? Dude rocked our worlds with Lost Boys and made us believe with License to Drive. He was innocent Lucas Corey while Corey Feldman played badass Goonies Corey, an image damaged from the start by his decision to imitate the style of Michael Jackson. But hey, he's like exactly my age and he's probably accomplished more than I ever will, particularly in the world of rehab centers and feathered hair. He totally dominates me in both those fields. Plus, I'll never come close to the artistic genius of Dream a Little Dream 2.

If any of you see Corey around, give him a shout out from G-Train. We miss his puckered expression of eternal innocent surprise, and we know that in a world of the Two Coreys, there is only really one. Godspeed, Corey Haim. Godspeed.

And the Award Goes To...

2007-01-05T13:56:00.000-08:00

Yes, the rumors are true. I won! I did it. No. WE did it.

As you might have seen on TV or read in the news, G-Train won the 2006 International Award for Awesomeness, sweeping every single category. Competition was crazy fierce, but I managed to pull ahead of Bono, Kim Jong Il and a lot of other fans I've never met, probably because they all voted for me. Even Time Magazine noticed, and even though they just said "You," we all know who they meant.

TV On the Radio took losing the Rockin' competition pretty well I thought, but Mary Lou Retton was a little upset over our Gymnastics match, which I won despite never having done gymnastics. Kasparov cried like the commie he is when I poured chamagne over Deep Blue after checkmating it in 4 moves. Pablo Picasso was understandably pissed at being brought back from the dead just so I could take 1st place in Cubism, but he backed off reeeeal quick once he saw me knock out Evander Holyfield with my right hook haymaker. I put Christopher Hitchens in his place at the dinner party competition and showed the Dalai Lama what's up by reincarnating myself as an ant, a white elephant, and then Joey Ramone, in that order. I accidentily out-awesomed God himself when creating an alternative universe just to shut up Steven J Hawkings, but it was after I wrote the great American novel on a grain of arborio rice, causing Thomas Pynchon to forfeit and become my personal biographer, that I really began to feel like I could win this thing.

I couldn't have done it without your support. Well I guess we both know I could totally have done it on my own, but you know.

Ho ho ho.

2006-12-22T08:15:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah, and um, Good Kwanza to you all from GTG. What did we get for you this year? What? Our charming personalities, sharp wit and scorching good looks aren't enough? Well then, how about a timeless gift that keeps on giving. Now who doesn't love that?

Joy the the world.

PS- fans of The Bu will recognize "that dude from SNL" as Aaron, enemie turned friend of Brett the ninja. Yes, I just realized that. And yes, I am that slow.

Breaking News

2006-12-21T08:57:00.000-08:00

This just in from the U.K. Office of Science and Innovation: Roomba is mad as hell, and he's not gonna take it anymore.

We knew Stefbot would eventually mobilize her robotic armies- we just didn't think it would be this soon.

Yellow Fever

2006-12-20T17:46:00.000-08:00

I'm so fucking lucky to be half Filipino. And it's recently come to our attention that my little dark-skinned master race has played a pivotal role in shaping today's modern world, and not in the ways you might expect!

No, no, we're not talking about those famous Filipino names you always hear bandied about like Rob Schneider, Jesus Christ, and Kirk Hammet of Metallica. Everyone knows them. I'm talking heads of state. Founding fathers. Luminaries.

For example, did you know Eli Whitney, inventor of the cotton gin, was a Filly? How about Satchel Paige, the first Pacific Islander to play Major League Baseball. A lot of people think George Washington Carver was Filipino, but he wasn't. He was black. But he did invent 101 uses for Filipinos, and one of those was alternative energy, because our massive body heat can be harnessed to provide power for generators. In fact, Magnus Samuelsson, the strongest man in the world, would regularly be called upon to do squat thrusts when his home town of Manila experienced rolling blackouts.

Kevin Federline is not Filipino, but Johnny-5 is:

Benjamin Franklin did our tiny archipeligo nation a service when he invented the printing press and founded Phillipines Jr, since renamed "America." And there are many great Filipino women too. Remember how proud the world was when the first Filipino woman was elected Prime Minister of England. We called her Isabela Santiago. The world knows her today as Margaret Thatcher.

Thank you Phillipines. You are a brave, noble, and exceptionally attractive people, and I'm not just saying that because I am half of one.

I totally mean it.

My life in pictures

2006-12-16T11:19:00.000-08:00

Hi, my name's Jess. I used to live in San Francisco. I had a lot of fun there.

But one day I decided fun was bad. So I moved here:

Well, actually, from what I've seen, it looks more like this:

But that's alright. I have a cool boyfriend who looks kind of like this guy:

but not at all like this guy:

I like him a lot. And I have great friends, most of whom work for a major studio.

Not that one.

Yeah. That one.

They are super cool. We have fun. But I often miss my friends from San Francisco. Especially when they all start having these:

and these

All in all, I like LA. Although people do drive rather badly down here.

To be continued...

(I gotta go work on my tan. Wanna be nice and bronze in time for Christmas)